sparks; gracie abrams

chapter seventeen- i miss you, i'm sorry

She stood at the familiar door, unable to knock. It was the first time she had really ventured out of her apartment since The Incident™ and after Taylor's impromptu visit, all Ember could think of was making it up to Gracie. She had pushed away the brightest light in her life because of her own selfish fear. She had such an insistent need to push away people before they hurt her first. She stood there, her hand hovering inches away from the door, her heart pounding in her chest like a trapped bird desperate for escape. The weight of her own choices pressed down upon her shoulders, threatening to suffocate her with regret. And now, standing here in front of Gracie's door, Ember was filled with a deep sense of remorse.

But alongside the remorse, there was also fear. Fear of rejection, fear of facing the consequences of her actions, fear of allowing herself to be vulnerable once again. It was easier to hide behind walls of self-preservation, to keep others at arm's length rather than risk being hurt again. Yet, as she looked at the door before her, Ember knew that she couldn't keep running away. She was tired of running, she had done it her entire life. From her parents, from her brother's death, from herself. She couldn't let fear dictate her life anymore. Gracie deserved better than that. She deserved an apology, a chance to make things right. Summoning every ounce of courage she had left, Ember finally closed the gap and rapped her knuckles gently against the door. For a moment, she held her breath, unsure of what would come next. Would Gracie turn her away, slam the door in her face, or would she give her a chance to explain?

When the door opened, Ember's heart skipped a beat. Gracie stood there, beautiful as ever, her expression guarded. Still, there was clear worry in her eyes and she skimmed over Ember's thin frame and made note of the darkened circles around her eyes. Ember swallowed hard, meeting Gracie's gaze with a mixture of hope and trepidation. "I... I'm sorry," Ember stammered, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know I messed up, I was scared and that's no excuse. But I want to fix this or at least apologize. You deserve better." She fiddled with her hands as she spoke, biting into her lip harshly.

Gracie's eyes softened slightly, her demeanor thawing just a fraction as she studied Ember's face. For a moment, there was silence between them and Ember expected Gracie to throw the door in her face or at least yell at her. Gracie stepped forward to open the door wider, intending to welcome her inside. However, as Gracie's hand reached for the door, Ember flinched involuntarily, a reflex born from years of anticipating harm.

The sudden movement startled Gracie, her hand freezing mid-air, her expression shifting from concern to surprise. Hurt flickered in her eyes, a silent question hanging between them. Why did Ember flinch from her? Ember's heart sank as she realized her mistake. She had let her fear dictate her actions once again, allowing it to overshadow the genuine remorse and apology she had come to offer. Shame washed over her, hot and suffocating, as she struggled to find the right words to explain herself because in her heart she knew Gracie wouldn't hurt her. If only her brain would cooperate. "I'm sorry," Ember whispered, her voice barely audible above the pounding of her own heart. "I didn't mean to... I thought— I'm just... " She trailed off, unable to articulate the jumble of emotions swirling inside her.

Gracie regarded her for a long moment, her expression unreadable, "I would never, Em." "I know, I'm sorry, it's just a habit." Ember looked down, wringing her hands.

They stood in silence for a minute, then, with a sigh, she stepped back and gestured for Ember to enter. "It's okay," she said softly, her voice tinged with sadness. "Come in." Ember hesitated for a moment, uncertain if she deserved the forgiveness being offered to her. But then she squared her shoulders, drawing on the last shreds of courage she had left, and stepped over the threshold into Gracie's apartment. Gracie motioned for her to sit on the couch as she turned the kettle on in her kitchen. "Tea?" She offered and Ember nodded.

As Ember settled on the couch, she couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that weighed heavily on her chest, nor the fear that she had irreparably damaged her relationship with Gracie. When Gracie returned with the steaming mugs of tea, Ember accepted hers with a grateful nod, cradling the warm ceramic between her hands as Gracie settled on the couch beside her. The silence stretched between them, thick with unspoken words and unresolved emotions.

Ember wrapped her hands around the warm mug, grateful for the comforting heat against her clammy palms. She took a cautious sip, the familiar taste of chamomile soothing her frayed nerves ever so slightly. "Thank you," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. Gracie nodded in acknowledgment before she cleared her throat, breaking the tension. "So...how have you been, Ember?" she asked gently, her eyes soft with concern.

Ember closed her eyes, trying to find the right words to express the turmoil raging inside her. "Honestly, this is the first time I left my apartment since the article— The article," she started, her voice trembling, "God, it...it brought everything back. The memories of the crash, the grief of losing Egan...but also the flashbacks to the abuse, my parents. And I got scared. I know you were helping me but I've never—" Her voice broke and took a sip of her tea to clear the lump in her throat. Gracie waited patiently, watching her with concern. "I always do everything by myself. I've never had someone care really, not since Egan. And I always told myself I wouldn't let myself depend on anyone again, and I run from anything I get too close to." Pausing again, she finally met Gracie's eyes with her own tear-filled ones. "I just...I don't want to burden you," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm so used to dealing with things on my own, to carrying the weight of my own issues. I don't know how to let someone, anyone, else in. And you did nothing wrong, I'm so sorry about everything. I do want you here, I want you in my life and I want to do better. I miss you and I'm sorry."

Ember holds her breath as she finishes, looking down in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. Gracie moves closer to her, taking Ember's hands into her own. "Em, baby, look at me." At her words, Ember looks up, a few tears escaping her stormy eyes. "You've never been a burden, not ever. And I'm so sorry that you've had to go through everything alone. The people that care about you want to help you, and I care about you the most." Gracie's voice was gentle, filled with sincerity as she continued, "I know it's hard to let someone in, especially after everything you've been through. But you're not alone anymore, Ember, you don't have to be. You have me, and I'm not going anywhere. I want to help you, support you, and I'll always be here for you, no matter what." Ember collapses into Gracie's open arms, silent sobs racking her body. There's a mantra of I'm sorry that Ember repeated over and over into Gracie's shoulder and Gracie only held her tighter, shushing her gently. "Emmy, stop apologizing. Listen to me, it's okay, it's okay. We're okay, and I forgive you. I forgive you for pushing me away, for shutting me out. And I'm sorry too, for not being there when you needed me most."

Tears slipped down Gracie's face as she thought of what the young musician had gone through alone over the past few weeks. If her thin stature and pale demeanor was anything to go by, it was clear she was struggling. "I'm going to do better Rae," Ember mumbled, face still buried in the older's shoulder. "I'm going to look for a therapist and I'm going to be better." She moved back to gauge Gracie's reaction to her word, met with a soft smile. "I'm so proud of you, baby." Gracie's voice is impossibly gentle as she drops a tender kiss on Ember's forehead.

As they sat together on the couch, surrounded by the warmth of Gracie's apartment and the comforting scent of chamomile tea, Ember felt raw. A different kind of raw, rather than the one that was normally associated with pain, fear, guilt. She felt raw and loved.

author's note: i really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, i spent a lot of time finding emotions for it. i've compiled a full tracklist of mostly real songs (four of my own poems that matched the vibes and i turned into song) that will be on ember's eventual album. i can't wait to share them with you (i'll probably have a separate "lyric chapter") and i hope it brings an even deeper level of emotion. i've been crazy busy but i am still writing as much as i can! 

please vote and comment any opinions,

ella