My hurt grounds me. Protects me. I'm safest here like this. I can only exist in extremities and it leaves me worn out for a fucking year and a half. I can't live like this forever. I die out I always do. I'm withered and charred and I'm just so fucking scared. I'm picked off the floor by the heart and dropped again and again and again. I'm so tired but my eyes won't close I just want to be a little girl again that's easy to hold and easy to forgive. 22:59
I flicker wildly between forgetting and loving till I don't know myself. I want something steady and continuous and real. You didn't have photographs of me to delete or gifts to throw away. Just memory. And that gets hazy. I'm careless and lost everything everything you gave me to keep. I forget my wrongs and do this act so well I can fool myself into believing it. I'm tired of writing about you. Sometimes I wish I never forget my love for you because I don't want my heart broken all over again. I just couldn't endure it. I'm done taking my pieces and placing them back together all by myself. It's fucking stupid how a person only existed to disintegrate but they're out of your life the moment it's time to acknowledge the broken bits on the floor. I'm sick sick sick of this already. Even without your loves you have your family at home to do your breaking for you. I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I don't want to admit it. I'm stuck and there's nowhere to go 23:28
I need an unfamiliar larger than me that I can get lost in and forget myself 23:33
A bird in a faraway myth wrote to me once: "it's not the same now, perhaps another time". But when? I wait and I try. I'm trapped with nowhere to go. I think even the most degraded of us deserve someplace somewhere. I try try try but it isn't enough 23:57
Hibiscus hibiscus / in bloom then drooping then blooming then drooping / pretty and red with rage and setiment and all that bullshit etc etc / tired 00:03
I want to become whole again / not a carapace / not a shallow thing beyond caring out of all the hurt / take my heart and give it a good shake, will ya / be my friend? / Hold my hand? / Hold my head between your hands? / Like him that night / or in your own way if u want anything works for me / why's is it so hard to accept love as temporary / he held my head & said "I'd die for you" not "I promise I'd die for you" but it felt like a promise anyway / do u get it now? Do u see it? / Do you understand? / Do you really really understand now? 00:57
Well fuck me cuz I decided to believe it 1:00
All these hopes I don't want to believe in / this only for now / it will pass by morning 2:26
5 and I haven't slept / this summer it doesn't rain / not yet / maybe it isn't really summer yet / still, it's sweltering all day like two years ago / two? / I spend the day hoping you'll pass and I spend the night hoping for you / I'm exhausted and my head hurts / I wish you'd disappear so my love will dissipate into the sky towards someplace that really wants it more / yet I wait for summer rain / like that day before the storm when you came running after me and calling my name / I remember I used the memory in one of my first shitty poems about you / all in a junkyard or burnt by now / summer is my birthday / do you remember? You do, don't you 5:33
I can't shut my eyes without seeing you or some memory / the snare never comes undone 5:36
This'll get easier as the years go by, won't it? 5:43
Mar 1 & 2
