I am dissolving in my place. I can hold only a face in my mind at once. I forget people who have tried for me. or just laughed along when I needed to forget. I abandon and search for more. everywhere. in new people. walking into a nowhere
big day tomorrow
I was told today, "I know you'll do well here"
//
it's not so bad? showing up at someone's door unannounced. like summer a few years younger. parading along the path between blurry parks and basketball and tennis courts and unending apartment buildings. some sweet girl singing. I think you know her. she skips at one beat. passes by. deep blue buildings and the yellow light in homes. deep blue sky and the lamp-yellow moon in its full sphere. the bats don't stay still when it gets dark. like us, you know?
march 26
little aches everywhere. at least my body speaks up. it lives on. it's better than hers. if you saw me you'd want me more than at least half the people here. it's what im good for. my sari is blue as me. blue and shimmery. i like my earrings big and dangle-y and hanging down my bleeding ears. clap for me? i deserve some praise for the way i hold up exceptionally before the fall. my steps are dull as i exit but at least there's no audience to watch me. good for me, this body is. sagging and a little morose but. if you saw it you could want it
//
you're the only compulsion I can't wear out by being honest. a person is the full deck. you don't see the face of the card you're picking but you reach for it anyway
27 march
