Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[12]

Elliot

***

I waited outside the airport for a cab with my sweater sleeves pulled over my knuckles, hugging my torso and trying to hold back the tears brimming in my eyes.

There was so much to understand - and of course I wished that there wasn't. It all made sense, I wasn't even his girlfriend, and yet I expected this big turnout. I couldn't really ask him to just drop everything for someone who didn't appreciate him enough to keep him when I had the chance. Still, I really thought we had a small spark of hope in a new relationship, as stupid as it sounds.

I didn't even try beating myself up about wishing to go back in time and change what I did, take him to New York with me or be sure to stay in contact with him, because I knew there was no reason to do that if it was impossible anyway. But the thought definitely crossed my mind, and it was a lot to hold in.

By the time I finally got a taxi to slow down, I climbed in the backseat since I didn't really want to sit next to the driver in the state I was in. He asked me where my suitcase was and if I needed a hotel, and I just stared out the window and shook my head, mumbling how I just wanted to go home, then I gave him my address and ignored the huge lump in my throat.

But it was really hard when all I could think about was his face when he told me I couldn't come with him, and the way I could feel his shoulders shake as he hugged me. It was like it was all too good to be true - and it was.

By the time I got home, I really needed a shower since I smelled horribly like the city; smoke and fast food. I'm not even sure how the smell was able to stick to me, but it did. I could also sense a hint of Shawn's cologne on me from his embrace, but then I could've only been imagining that.

I start to brew a pot of coffee in the small kitchen area before racing into the bathroom to start running the water, giving it time to warm up as I peel off my clothes and step over the knee-length tiled wall. I pull the white curtain back while my eyes were closed as the water fell over my face, calming me.

I could tell the whole bathroom was beginning to fog up, since the steam was slowly spilling over the top of the curtain and filling the room. I don't know if it was because my face was already dripping with water or simply because getting him out of my head was impossible, but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back anymore.

It's not like anyone would see me anyways, I live here alone and even if I did have anyone over, when I'm in the shower, it's my time and no one else's.

So I place my left hand on the shower wall that was beaded with water droplets, resting my head against it and finally, finally letting myself cry.

I didn't hold back on the embarrassment and disappointment I'd been bottling up until now, because I felt like letting it out would bring me to a certain sense of release that I desperately needed.

By the time I could feel the water starting to get cold, I shut it off and grab my towel from the hook right outside the shower, wrapping it around my body and wiping under my eyes.

The bathroom was really hot because of the steam, so I just grab my hair dryer from the cabinet under the sink and walk across the hallway to my bedroom, purposely leaving the door open so it'll cool down in there.

I pull some clothes out of my dresser and throw them on, plugging my hair dryer in by the bed and aiming the pressurized air towards my stringy tangle of hair.

By the time I was done, I walked down the hallway, my bare feet pattering on the wood floor as I went into the kitchen to fix myself a cup of coffee.