Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[20]

we're inching towards the end of this story wtf

Shawn

***

We waited for a very long time.

Sarah sat in the chair with her legs crossed, smoothing out her skirt as she sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. She wasn't very patient.

"Where are they? They've been gone for ten minutes," she says with a sigh.

"They'll be back," I say, rubbing her shoulder. "They just went to go get the picture."

She looks up at me, unsure.

"It shouldn't take that long to print."

"Maybe they're with another patient," I shrug. "We're not the only people here."

She squints at me. I couldn't describe the look in her eyes, but there was some sort of depth in them that wasn't always there. She seemed tense.

"Do you know something I don't know?" she murmurs.

Puzzled, I shake my head. "No, what are you talking about?"

"I don't know. You seem way to relaxed about this." She looks down at the hospital gown over her stomach, smoothing out all the wrinkles.

I cross my arms over my chest, so I could have something to preoccupy my hands with as I slowly ease myself into the rolling chair next to hers, looking up at her finally and clearing my throat as I ask, "hey, what did you tell my mum by the way? At the hospital?"

Her eyes meet mine; she had the look of a scared animal with an arrow aimed in its direction, before it is shot. Like she was caught and there was no way out. She tries to make it disappear, but I saw it-- that look of fear.

"It wasn't really important," she shrugs. For an actress, she was an awfully bad liar. Her fingers trickle through her hair, tucking back loose pieces to her ponytail.

"Sarah," I scoff. "Don't play dumb with me. Did you tell her you were pregnant?"

"No, but I'm surprised she doesn't know yet. Like, the whole media knows. Does she live under a rock?"

"I've denied it," I shrug. "It's not really a fun topic to discuss with your mother, whether or not you used protection. And stop trying to change the subject. What did you tell her?"

She pauses for a long time, running her hands over her small baby bump. She looked regretful, and a little bit stressed out. I wanted to comfort her, but I needed an answer first. So many possibilities were flooding into my mind, and I needed them to be shut out with relief. Please be relief.

"It wasn't about you, not really," she says quietly.

I waited for her to go on, but she wouldn't.

"... so what was it about then?"

She looks down at her feet, stretched out in front of her. Her silence was so heavy, like a coat in the winter-- layered, thick-- so palpable that it was killing me. I resisted screaming at her.

She finally sighs, and I could tell she was thinking about how to word her thoughts.

"It's my dad," she finally blurts out.

"Okay," a male voice immediately interrupts our conversation, walking over to us and closing the door behind him. I didn't even mind him. I couldn't stop staring at Sarah, who was turning away, biting her lip.

"Ready to find out the sex?"

My gaze remained narrowed on her as I tightly close my eyes, grabbing my cup of coffee from the table beside me and rubbing my eyes. I had to ignore her for a moment. I was about to discover if she was was having my son or my daughter.

"Yeah," I say, and it came out much snappier than I'd expected. "Let's hear it."

He looks over me, walking straight to Sarah and setting down some equipment.

He smiles down at her, a bit confused. "Aren't you from that action movie Mountain Runners? You co-starred with Jamie Blackley, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Sarah nods. "We're right in the middle of filming the sequel right now."

"Well, better hurry up and finish that. Maternity leave is approaching."

"Um," I clear my throat, "the sex?"

"Of course," he nods, laughing. "I have your picture right here."

He steps over to where his equipment is, picking up a small, rectangular photo with black and white horizontal lines on it. He immediately starts towards Sarah, and by instinct, I follow.

He holds it out in front of her so she won't have to get up, even though she does, to get a better angle. I lean over her shoulder, trying to peak as well.

"It's about the size of an overgrown peanut right now, but it's fingers are coming in, and usually the penis immediately follows the fingers. Which hasn't been detected. So from what we can tell," he pauses for dramatic effect, looking at both of us, "you've got yourself a daughter."

I couldn't believe it. I held the photo in my hands as well as Sarah, squinting my eyes to make out the small, white figure, lying sideways in her stomach. It had never hit me so hard until right then.

"Oh my god," I whisper, close to Sarah's ear.

"I know," she sniffles, covering her mouth with her hand as she takes a small gasp, that lasted for a while. "A baby girl, huh?"

I let her words sink in, my eyes finding hers as I let grab of the picture and walk to the other end of the table. I wish we had some sort of privacy, it made me feel so awkward with the Doctor standing right over there watching us.

All thoughts of our previous conversation disappeared. At first, all I could feel was excitement. Anxious anticipation, buzzing in my veins, rushing through my blood. I could see her blue, round eyes widen in an open gaze, one that looked scared, but happy. Like when you're hiding something.

But then it really hit me hard.

I'm actually having a little girl.

I'm actually having a little girl.

A baby. My baby. Sarah Key's is having my baby. I'm going to be changing diapers, driving her to school, fixing her hair, making her lunch, tucking her into bed. I'm going to be raising a human being with my DNA in her genes, in less than seven months.

It almost clicked earlier when I was staring at her stomach, imagining my kid in there. Picturing a baby, surrounded by organs and stomach acid. It was stupid, but I couldn't understand it then-- I was thinking about now, and not about what's going to happen in seven months when I'll be living in her house nurturing our child.

What will happen when I'm a dad?

Staring at the first ever photo of my baby, I couldn't be sure.

I look up at her again, her hand on her thigh, begging for me to hold. Her eyes, begging to be peered into again.

But I couldn't. My shaky hands gave out on the photo as it fell swiftly to the chair, and I darted out of the room as quickly as I could manage, strangely close to tears.

***