Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[17]

Shawn

***

Instead of going back to Pickering, like Mum suggested, I managed to convince her to let me go to LA with Sarah and stay there with her at her hotel for a while. I would still be quitting the tour, and hopefully not dealing with fans or anxiety for a long period of time, hopefully forever.

So she agreed, and I checked out of the hospital after a day and went back to our London hotel to pack things up. Sarah was still filming Forest Runners there, and would be for at least three weeks, she said.

I was nervous about staying with her. She was carrying my baby, and no one even knew. I didn't know what to do about that whole situation, or if we needed to do anything at all, but hopefully being around each other a lot more often will result in conversation.

As I was packing, I realized that maybe having a baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I mean, yeah, a few people would hate me. My music career will most likely come to an end. But the scary part about this was that I had considered this, and I'm okay with that. At least I have a good excuse. At least I have the chance to actually be good at something and make a commitment.

No more screwing around with Elle, then. I can have one garenteed decision for the rest of my life. I'll have Sarah to love, and I'll have my son or daughter to raise. I'll live a normal life, and have enough money to provide for them both.

I didn't really have a problem with being away from Toronto, anyways. There are too many memories there that I'd like to forget. The only problem was that I missed Aaliyah, and I would miss Mom. But hopefully I'll be too distracted to miss Elliot.

Even so, sometimes I see my old room and picture her sitting on my window seat, her silhouette coming to view the moment I stepped into the room early in the morning, wrapped up in my blanket and wearing my mickey-mouse slippers, a small smile pressed upon her petite face.

Sometimes I'll see The Rooftop and remember feeling in love, or pass by her old house where her Mom still lives, and Corey's old car is still parked. And it's hard to believe everything was perfect only four short years ago. But so much has happened since then, it feels like a lifetime.

But everything is okay, because everything is how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be with someone who understands me, right? And Elliot is the type of person who doesn't even need anyone at all, so she's content. And I have a kid, so I can count on the fact that he or she won't have to deal with everything I have.

After Forest Runners, Sarah should be taking a long break from making movies, so we can have a long time to raise the baby, and I think LA is a good spot for that.

Our flight leaves this Monday, which is in two days. I'm only doing one more show tomorrow night, and I'm not planning to tell them it's a farewell show. The less the media knows, I'd decided, the better.

Mum left to go back to Pickering that evening, and a part of me felt like thanking her for yelling at Andrew to stop the tour. I was planning to cope with it all the way until the end, but now, I have a good reason to quit and don't have to tell her about the baby yet. The only problem is, my reason is that my mummy made me.

When I was in the middle of packing, there was a knock at the door.

Sarah peeks into the hotel room. "Is your Mum in here?"