◈ There was too much "almost" in our story. ◈

「 PART 2. Caterpillar 」

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Porchay played with the hem of his hoodie, overwhelmed by nerves to the point where he felt he might faint from the intensity of anxiety enveloping him. He considered himself pathetic, and even if he wasn't, he couldn't help feeling that way. He had already disclosed it to his parents and his hia, they had learned it from him weeks ago, so why did waiting for Kimhan at their usual spot make him so jittery? Why did it seem like he is taking an eternity on the one day Chay would have appreciated his usually punctual ass?

In all honesty, Kimhan held a significant place in Porchay's life, so important that it was somehow contributing to explain his sweaty palms and his heart on the verge of bursting out of its cage. A lump in his throat made it challenging to articulate sentences without the words losing meaning or tears threatening to fall down on his face. Porchay couldn't help but wonder: What if, after he told everything, Kimhan didn't want to talk to him anymore? Or see him? In the worst-case scenario, what if Kimhan decided to cut him out of his life for good?

"Hey, Porchay, sorry I'm late. We were busy finishing something with Kinn and Tankhun!" said Kimhan nonchalantly. "What did you want to tell me?" He looked worriedly at his best friend.

It seemed ridiculous to confess now, Porchay thought. Maybe he didn't need to know, perhaps it wasn't necessary to voice it out. Maybe he could just pretend a little more, but no, Porchay had to tell him. After all, for Christmas, he was supposed to introduce this person to the whole family, and naturally, it meant Kimhan and his family would be there, always.

"I..." Chay's voice was shaking, and he was on the verge of tears.

"Porchay, are you okay?" Kimhan asked again, hyper-aware and concerned, putting his hand on Chay's shoulder, almost hugging him. "If there's something wrong, you can tell me," he said softly, searching to lock eyes with his best friend, who was trying to avoid his gaze.

Chay was making an effort, really trying to tell him, but at the same time, he was so afraid that it would mean the end of their friendship, the end of their closeness, of whatever they had until now.

"First... I... could you promise me you won't leave me?" Chay egotistically asked.

"Chay," Kim laughed slightly. "Of course, I will never leave you. You're my best friend; how could I?!"

He took Chay's chin in his hand and gently stroked it with his thumb, a gesture that calmed Chay and forced him to straighten his head. But it was still impossible for Chay to look Kim in the eyes, so he closed his eyes. There weren't many ways to say it, and he had to do it; he had to be honest with his best friend. He couldn't lie to him anymore about who he was.

So, he took a deep breath and suddenly confessed, "I'm gay, Kimhan. I... I like men." He held his breath, his eyes still closed, waiting for any reaction from his best friend.