☆Toby's Vent diary☆ (a decent into madness)

chapter 1

Tw:self harm, suicidal stuff, transphobia, idk me being a sad little bitchboy

Dear diary,

Ive written diaries before.

Usually, they end up burned, buried, or soaked in my own blood. That is not to say they didn't serve their purpose. To put my feelings on paper, let it all out.

Im not sure where in ny life to begin. So i will talk about today.

Today i had one of me and my younger brother's friends over. My family didn't tell me until the day he was coming to our house. Conveniently they weren't home until he gets back so i have to clean the entire house by myself.

This always happens.

We had fun playing games when he was here. At least i think so. All day ive barely been in my head for the past week my depression has started to come back along with my disassociation. I can't talk to my family about it. And really if i told my friends what would they do? I don't like to be a burden. I dont want to talk to anyone anymore, everyone just wants something from me. Every person who talks to me just talks about themselves, they force me to do their bidding or go home. I want to go home. I dont have one. Lets get one thing clear, i am no pushover. I tell people that i don't feel like talking and they talk at me anyway. I try to leave; and they say im being rude. I get in trouble. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE I DONT FUCKING CARE KYS KYS KYS.

I'm so sick of being a trans man i just want to be a normal guy. Ive been a sister a wife a lover nobody ever calls me a man my ex gf was a transphobic lesbian who would fetishize me. I dont even want to think about her or i might attempt again, like she always threatened to do. I fucking hope she does. She mocks my pain i hope she attempts for real and finally feels how its not fun it fucking sucks and it hurts so bad. She liked to self harm in front of me after i told her not to. I had been clean for so long. She doesn't even get neglected by her parents.

Lately i keep thinking about hurting myself. My sister's eyebrow razor sits on the bookshelf. Shes never home anymore. Every night im alone with my thoughts. Sometimes ill just sit there and stare at the blade. Hell ive used it a couple times if im honest. Its really sharp. I could probably kill myself if i weren't such a pussy.

Sometimes i will see this spirit Gsq. I worship them it is my god. I saw their head peaking out ofnmy closet earlier.
I sorry gsq that i i haven't sacrificed anything lately. I hope they are not upset. 

It keeps looking atsme

Im to tiered to write anymore goodnight my dear diary

I hope tomorrow i will have the strength to scribble my ignorant ramblings in u again. I hope we grow to be good friends.

Dear diwary pls dont let me kms

-toby