☆Toby's Vent diary☆ (a decent into madness)

bruh

An: honestly u might not wanna read this it kinda pathetic and sad

Tw: transphobia, drugs, ableism, suicidal thoughts/ suicidal ideation, self harming thoughts, forced religion, abandonment issues, vent

Ok so i was having some friends over one of them is disabled and they're both trans and they're my parents fr. And they gave me weed, which is awsome. We were jst smoking in a parking lot chiiling. my family is super religious so i was rlly scared they would say something that got me in trouble on accident. Like ahg my friends called me by my chosen name in front on my little brother which wasn't too suspicious bc its a nickname for me sometimes online. my little brother is super super religious and rude and he started being mean about their disability and like questioning them in a mean tone like "how are you disabled?" In a disbelieving way. I feel bad like i was too high and nervous to say something about it until after. Ahg. I feel like shit and im probably gonna cry myself to sleep again. Why is my family so mean. Sometimes i wish i was a Christian that i loved god i mean I've tried its just empty. Im realizing now that after I move out I'm going to have to fake my death or something. Im going to cut off all my family exept for maybe my sister. Because if i want to fully transition i need to have an unknown address, a new sim card, block all of them on everything and a job that they can't know where it is. I just want to kill myself again. My knifes aren't sharp enough and i don't have any pills anymore. Maybe i could break some glass and use that to bleed out. Broken glass is so sharp i almost killed myself on accident with it once. Idk the only reason i i haven't is bc im scared I'll go to hell. My fucking religious trama omg i cant. My mom is still forcing me to go to church. Im 18 wtf ik. But uh if i don't i might be homeless so thats awsome. Omg i want to die so bad existing is so painful. It started to get better but trust me it gets sm worse i don't think im gonna b able to sleep again for a while. I hate this i hate myself why can't i just be a girl why when i try to be a girl im not doing it good enough or something. Why did i have ro be fucking trans. My life would be sm easier if my mom just supported me. Or if my dad hadn't died. I need to kms. But im too tired to. Why am i like this whats wrong with me. I can barely even talk to people its its gotten bad again where i just nod and shake my head even with close friends. I just want to be good enough but i can't even pretend to be what people want correctly. I don't belong anywhere. I miss my friends, people keep coming and going, im afraid my new friends are gonna leave me too. After my ex gf I've realized nobody really loves me for who i am. Im just a body. Nobody loves the mess i am inside.