The wind is heavy today, weaving through the waves in my hair as I sit. It's a bit chilly, but I don't mind it. Whether the weather is cold or hot, I'm still here, in this same spot.
Time always seems to move so quickly here, a shame really, but I guess that just shows how much I enjoy it, how much it means to me. Without even realizing it, I find myself here for hours on end, sometimes until the sun sets. The overwhelming scent of salt and seaweed somehow relaxes me, and I can live for a moment without having to think. I can forget about everything.
I can breathe.
My chin's rested on my knees as I embrace them, looking out into the sea. It's endless, the sea. Sometimes I find myself wondering where it leads. It's an effort some days not to go and find out for myself. I'd swim through the water, across the world until my lungs gave out... and get far away from here.
I stand up from my seat in the sand and take some steps toward the water, until my calves-down are submerged. That's when I hear a few seagulls to my left. As I look beside me, one of them stares me down, cocking its head to the side as if it's reading my mind, as if to say I'm crazy.
I mimic its movement and chuckle. "Must be nice being a bird, huh?" My phone begins to ring, and the sound sends the seagull retreating in a beat of its wings as fast as it appeared.
I remove my phone from my pocket, lifting it to read the name I never find joy or excitement reading.
Mom
It takes me a moment, but I answer. "Yeah?"
"Don't 'yeah' me. Where are you?" I sigh deeply and sit back down in the sand.
"In class." There's a pause of silence on the other end before she speaks again.
"And your class is on the beach, huh?" It's a bit annoying how perceptive she can be.
"How'd you know?" She huffs as I begin to take out a cigarette.
"Leo, what the hell are you thinking? I don't pay for you to go to school so you can just fuck around and act like a child. You need to stop this poor me shit and go to school. It's getting old having to deal with this." She lets out an exasperated sigh. I roll my eyes as I light my cigarette, taking a puff. There's a long pause before she speaks again. "Are you hearing me?"
"Loud and clear," I exhale, smoke clouding the brisk air around me. "And I'm pretty sure Dad's the one sending the money, last time I checked." Insufferable bastard.
"What happened to you? You weren't always this reckless, this... rebellious." She says the word with such distaste it causes me to shut my eyes. Am I really that bad? "You really need to get your shit together or-" Before she can even finish her sentence, I hang up. It's the same nonsense I have no desire to revisit or continue listening to.
My chest feels heavy yet again. Now it feels as though my sacred place has been tainted. With a hand on my chest, damn near gripping the fabric, I try to level out a long, shaky breath, making an effort to ease my now slightly elevated anxiety. Even now, she tries to act so innocent, as if nothing had ever happened.
Is it really that hard to take responsibility for something like that? What could be holding her back so much? Why can't she just apologize? Why can't she just understand? At this point, I should just give up on trying to understand the reason why.
After I've finally steadied my breathing, my anxiety and frustration at bay, I stand up from the sand again, looking out into the water for a moment more before turning on my heel.
"I'm like this because of you."
-
I'm tired of it all, really. The constant ringing of useless thoughts in my head. The nagging and never ending complaints shot through me by my mother and father. The stupid and unnecessary small talk of my generic and overly optimistic classmates.
