I hate how easily shaken up I am by everything. I hate how such little control I have over my own thoughts and feelings. I hate that I can't just ignore everything I feel and just say that it's me being annoyed by a friend. It's not that simple. It's never been that simple. It's so much more serious than that and I know it, and I fucking hate it.
My head is spinning. I just wish he had never come up to me that day on the beach. I would've been fine, going about my day to day life as I always have, even if it is just pure misery and tragedy. I would've been just fine if I kept living that way, if he never had the chance to change anything.
But now I feel as if he has changed everything. Why? It shouldn't matter to me what he's doing—if he ignores me—fuck, he's been doing it for six years. So why does it change anything now?
Why does it hurt?
"Leo." May speaks as she sits on my bed to the right of me, Ian at her other side, mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he lays back. They've been having a conversation about a topic I have no interest in listening in on. Not when my mind is flying in so many different directions.
"May." I parrot her, taking a sip of my glass on the bedside table, which is a quarter full of whiskey. It's Friday. We aren't out, but it's the only thing that seems to keep my mind at bay—or at least I hope it will— eventually.
Ian locks his phone, before he throws it on the bed rather aggressively, causing it to bounce and catch my attention. He snaps his head in my direction, his expression rough.
"What's going on?" I meet his eyes, though not saying a word. "What haven't you told me?" It surprises me when he doesn't say us, given he isn't the only person in the room with me. I look away, not replying and taking yet another sip of my drink.
"It's gotta be Beau again," May sighs, half-rolling her eyes, which causes me to tighten my grip on my glass. Maybe I was right to dislike her before. "What else could it be?" Her only reason to be here is because of Ian, and it could be my already tangled up emotions, but something about what she said pisses me off.
"Why are you here?" I finally say. Her head turns slowly in my direction, as if she's shocked that that's the first thing I've said since they've been here.
"What do you-"
"You're only here to lead Ian on aren't you? Stop fucking around," The grip on my glass becomes tighter, and the thought of it breaking doesn't even faze me. "You aren't even a part of our group. You just prance around like you're some saint. Please."
"Leo what are you-" I don't even give her a chance, I keep going, and it's as if I've lost all control of myself. What am I saying?
"You don't care about us. You never did. You came for what? To leech off the fact that I have a connection to something you want?" I let out a cold laugh, and I don't even feel like myself anymore, but I can't seem to stop. "Get real. The only reason you're around is because-" The only thing that causes me to stop talking is the look on Ian's face. His face has fallen so low that it doesn't even look like it belongs to him. Though he looks sad, the look in his eyes could set me on fire.
Was I really about say she was only here because of him?
"I..." I trail off, not knowing what to say at all. I'm in awe of myself. My eyes slide down to my lap, not wanting to look either of them in the eye. It's silent for a while, and the only thing that takes me out of the staring contest with my lap, is the feeling of a hand taking my glass from mine and setting it on the bedside table.
"Leave, May." I'm shocked at the words that leave Ian's mouth. I look up, and May's green eyes are wide with confusion.
"What did I...?" I look down again, feeling so terrible for saying what I have. Ian just shakes his head.
