Escape artistry

17. Both of the stories (now)

"I have already told you my father was a drunk and a bully. He killed my mother, which was the reason I was finally placed into an orphanage."

Tobirama looked directly at me, not at all being afraid to take the consequences of this heart-to-heart. I was trembling all over.

He continued.

"I had vowed I would never drink a single drop of alcohol myself. I even avoided those chocolate turtles filled with liquor, you know?" He smiled a little. "But I never thought..." He leaned his chin in his hand again. He was adorable when he did that. "At the orphanage, we were so... Protected, you know? And that was probably a good thing, many of us being so traumatised. But I guess I wasn't prepared at what university held in its maws for me."

He paused a second. I wanted to take his hand so badly, but were afraid to move for some reason. As if he was a feather that would blow away in the gust of wind that would come from any movement I made. 

"Staying away from parties and alcohol myself wasn't a challenge. I just didn't think it would be brought to my door, you know?" He shook his head. "The corridor parties... The hungover lads at lectures... Hell, some even brought vodka to classes. It was the first time I saw drunk people since my dad..."

He looked away. I felt tears burn behind my eyes. Of course, I'd experienced it myself. I'd seen the parties, the celebrating young people, the chaos. It had just never bothered me as long as I stayed out. It must have been so, so hard on Tobirama, though.

"I couldn't handle it. The first week, I just tried to fix myself, turn myself into a person who could handle it, which was why I didn't write to you. The second week..." He shook his head. "I have no memory of it. It's all a blank space. I could only handle two weeks of university before I gave up. Not due to pressure. Not due to difficulties studying. But because of the culture."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"Shame", Tobirama answered without having to think a second.

At first, the simple answer made me angry. Couldn't he have overcome it or me? Then, I realised that maybe, it was just as simple and just as difficult as that; shame.

"So you quit and changed your name for me to be unable to find you?"

"For anyone to be unable to find me", he said, taking a sip of his now-cold coffee. "I didn't want anyone to know. And when the shame had died down, I was ashamed I had been ashamed, didn't know how to explain it."

I nodded, understanding even if I wished it had been different. 

"I kept reading books", he continued. "I didn't want to lose what you'd taught me. I went to the library, and I found this book about magic tricks. I found I enjoyed reading it. Then, I tried some of the things in the book and realised I had a knack for it." He shook his head and smiled at the memory, and it stung a little that it was such a pleasant memory that I wasn't part of. I tried to force myself not to be so selfish. "I YouTubed some as well, and after a while, I became a street performer. Then, I performed at bars. Then, I was discovered and here we are."

I couldn't help but laugh. It really could be that simple.

Then, I looked down in my empty cup of tea.

"Do you prefer Tobias or Tobirama?" I asked, knowing which one I preferred.

"In my new life, Tobias. But with you." He reached his hands out, took both of mine and kissed them. The sensation of relief that washed over me when he took my hands was overwhelming. "With you, it's always Tobirama."

I took a deep, shaky breath, looking down on our entwined hands.

"Is it really you? The person you are on stage? With me in bed?" I looked up on him. "Or is this you?"

He smiled.

"Both", he said simply. "It has been eight years since we saw each other. You might not notice it yourself, but you're different, too. I still see some of the old Izuna, but I see equal parts a new one."

"Do you... Like this new Izuna?" I asked, looking at him shyly from beneath my lashes.

"I love him", he said so earnestly, I felt tears finally form in my eyes. "And does this new Izuna love me?"

"Always."

He leaned over the table, grabbed my face and kissed me.

"Let's give the gossip magazines something to write about", he murmured into my mouth.

"Oh, God!" I said and sat back and hid my face. "I forgot how famous you are!"

Tobirama laughed, and that sound made me the happiest.

Then, he became serious.

"And you, Izuna? Tell me about you."

I shrugged.

"Not much to tell, really. I began at same university as you, just as planned. But physics instead of literature."

Tobirama frowned.

"You..."

I smiled shyly.

"Yeah..."

"Shit, not only did you get good enough to pass the exam to get into a literary course. But to get into physics... That exam is hard."

"I know", I said proudly.

"But why did you give up your literature dream?"

I looked away.

"I believe I wasn't ready to let you go, honestly. I wanted to show you..." I looked up at him, feeling tears decorating my eyelashes like glass pearls. "That I was good enough."

Tobirama hid his face in his hands and groaned, then shoved his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry", he said. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want you to switch your dream to mine."

"I never thought of it that way", I said, which was true. "I still love books and to read. But I love my current job as well. It started off as something I did for you, but now..." This time, I took his hands and kissed them. "It's for me."

"I'm proud of you, you know. I'm sorry I failed."

I grinned and stared eating the pancakes again.

"Are you kidding me? You're amazing. And you got there by doing the thing you found hardest of all. Reading!"

He smiled.

"Now you put it that way. And..." He looked serious again. "I can be around drunk people fine. I have to, in order to be able to do shows."

"See?"

"Izuna..."

I suddenly stopped chewing. I saw his pupils had grown wide again. I swallowed.

"What?" I whispered but I already knew.

"Hurry up and finish those pancakes."