Escape artistry

23. The angriest he had ever been (now)

After carefully manoeuvring myself from the elevator to his front door, I knocked on it.

Then I cursed myself for knocking. Who the fuck knocked on the door of a celebrity? It wasn't as if they ever opened their doors, did they? And even if he considered it, he would certainly look into the keyhole or the screen or whatever the fuck it was that rich people used, see it was me and decline.

But what could I otherwise have done? Called his agent and asked him to open? No. Even if he technically could, that must be illegal, surely? Maybe, I could become one of those climbers who climbed up skyscrapers and get in through one of his windows? I mean, I was blind now, so my fear of height wouldn't be a problem, would it? I wouldn't see shit anyway, so I could just-

Suddenly, the door opened.

"Izuna."

The word was just a breath, so fragile the air caught it and blew it away. I heard a thumping sound; he had fallen down to his knees.

And I understood him. I had come up here without a bandage. I wished I could say it was because it was itchy or something, but the truth was it was because I wanted Tobirama to see exactly what he had left behind. I had asked Chris to describe it for me, and he said you could still see the blackness where the acid had burned my skin to coal.

"You fucking piece of scum", I said which was very, very far from what I had planned on saying. "You selfish, narcissistic, useless piece of trash." My voice was poison, and for once, my trembling in his proximity had nothing to do with sex. "You disappointing, self-absorbed, martyr-playing fucking heartbreaker."

He spoke in the same, thin voice that had whispered my name.

"I can't do this, I-"

"Shut up!" I screamed and he did. In that moment, I wished I could see his face. "Do you think I'm dumb?! Don't you think I understand why you just ghosting me?! Do you think I would believe that you do it because you don't want to be with a blind man and that you need to explain to me that that's not the case?! Don't you think I understand that you're ashamed?!"

Tobirama didn't say anything, and I honestly believed he hadn't thought that I would understand; he had been fully prepared to explain it.

"I know you've been beaten by your drunk father! I know he killed your mother! I know you're fucking traumatised! I know you've tried to break contact with me because you blame yourself for being drunk like your father when I was blinded! I know you think you could've prevented it if you hadn't given in! You have the right to feel that way, I don't care! But you know what you don't have the right to? When your boyfriend gets acid thrown in his face and becomes blind, you don't have the right to just stand up and leave just because you have decided it's your fault!"

"Izuna..."

Still on his knees, I heard him take a few steps towards me.

I took a step back.

"Stay away from me!"

My reaction took me by completely surprise. I had not planned on saying that. I had come here to have my say, and then have him accept that I had something to say about us as a couple as much as he had.

But now... Did I want him? Could I be with a man who seemed to run away as soon as things got difficult?

"I know that you believe that if you had been sober, this wouldn't have happened. And I respect you too much to deliver all of the reasons it wasn't your fault on a silver plate. But the fact remains that you left me when I needed you the most. And I..." I heard my voice crack.

"Izuna, please!!"

I heard he was crying now. I knew it was real and not a way to make me stay. And even if it had been, I couldn't have stayed. I suddenly felt the urge to leave, to run away, far, far from these emotions just like he did.

Not once during my time in hospital had I felt angry at the man who had thrown acid in my face. Not because I was a particularly good person, but because he was something abstract, something unreal. How could I be angry at something so untouchable?

But Tobirama was real and breathing and steaming right in front of me, and I was more angry with him than I had ever been with anyone in my entire life.

"I'm sorry, this was not how it was supposed to go", I said, my voice a whisper. I heard the surprise in my own voice. "I'll go now."

I turned and, to the best of my abilities, I ran to the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator as Tobirama still stood in the doorframe.

"Izuna, wait!" he screamed after me.

But I didn't listen because when had he ever waited for me?