Women are only made for one thing and one thing only. To tarnish and ruin men. We stomp on their egos and feed it to them for breakfast. My mother always said "i was a force to be reckoned with" i mean she wasnt wrong? My first heartbreak was my fat...
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If i could feel everlasting joy forever, i would. More or less i wish i didn't have to feel at all. Mom says I'll grow out of it. But would i? Would i always feel this way? Numb to the feeling of any emotion whatsoever. I've been tainted with means to plunge down any emotion that reaches the surface every single time i can breathe. God , i can't even remember when last i even let a single tear drop because i was feeling anything other than the feeling of "deprived from sensation" . It started when i was 7 . Mom picked me up from school, she didn't say anything.
But i knew , i could feel it in my tiny gut something was wrong.
Mom and i usually never got along since dad left and i had this menacing feelings toward her ever since he decided to leave us and go off to where ever the hell he went. I blamed her for the most part. Or i wish i did. I knew. I just knew i couldn't blame her for his coward tendencies to leave us and probably go impregnate some other woman and start a new family to wipe out the feel and memories of his last.
Mom didn't say anything. I mean , it was normal for her. When dad left she was always...crying. One day i asked her if there was any cereal. She panicked and looked around and then she just had this huge meltdown and chanting about "not being a good mother" . It was only until i was 10 , when mom started really smiling and spending more time with me than gloating around in her room about the bastardly piece of shit that brought me into this world.
I could see it in moms beautiful features that there was something wrong. It wasn't until i got home . The house was so quiet. So so quiet. The only thing that broke that peace was the wailing of aunt julia. Moms sister. She kept on crying and crying and me being numb i didn't react . I just stood there being awkward as hell.
"Grandma died" were the words that mom uttered out of her mouth. I was suppose to feel something right? Grandma was close to me. She looked after me. Loved me. Nothing but the wails of aunt julia filled our large living room as i stood there frozen staring into space feeling nothing. At all. I suppose i was hoping to feel something. Like grief , despair? agony? . Nada .
I looked mom in the eyes. Staring straight at her. Ignoring aunt julias cries as i rocked on the heels of my feet , my toes wiggling in my flats.
"Can i go to my room now?" I asked like i didn't care that the world was falling apart from under me. Like i didn't care that i just lost one of the closest family members ive ever had. Mom stared at me in horror. I couldn't get that look that she gave me out of my head. She looked at me like i wasn't her little girl anymore. Our staring broke off when my two , two year old twin little brothers came running into the room chasing each other. Atleast dad left something good when he left. I took that time and went up to my room. Mom came in the next morning and told me to follow her and i did. I followed her without saying a word as she put me in the seat infront as she drove away from the house. I didn't ask her where we were when we were at some building. I was compliant and followed her all the way.
