chapter 56

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charlie pov:

it's like in a movie, you know those romantic one's,where the person who love of there life broke there heart, and then after a few months of not being together, and being heart as hell, they feel like they are about to die, and then one day they met up with soemone close and put some ideas in there mind and they can't let it go so they are going to the person who broked there heart  house and ask them and then they get back together, and have there happy endding, and they are together for the rest of there life unti they die, happy  and forgeting the past, forgetting all the pain,                                                                                                                                                                                              

 that's what happening right now but something diffrent from it, i'm not going to nick's house  i don't think that  i'm ready for that, for seeing him person, face to face, breath to breath, eyes to eyes, and just letting out the pain, no i'm not ready for that, what if all my thoughts which didn't left my mind since last week , since tori gave me that stupid idea in my head, that maybe this   situation is not real, just big fat misunderstanding , and that pain was, is for nothing                    god i really hope that                                                                                                                                                            this past week has been killing me, when me and andrew had dinner together i always had the urge to just tell me the truth but at the other side i didn't want to know it, i'm so fucking afraid   i know that andrew wouldn't talk to nick without nick explaing him this whole thing, but  what if he lied to him aand then they told it to addison who belived them                                                            what if i talk to them and they tell me what nick told them and i'm going to belive them and then years later nick is going to leave for some other chick? or better looking boy?                                i can't take the rick, i'm not ready for that   

but i can't let those thoughtś away so i need to do some steps, like my therapist said, take evrything step by step so that's  what i'm doing, i'm going to try and talk to darcy and tara           and that's why this whole situation is like in the movies, my hear is beatting like drums when you play rock on it, and i have this feeling like something bed is goig to happen but you don't know what  can go bad, but i know what can bad, what i said to them was rude and bad bud i was angry, and now i'm afraid that i will loose them becasue of that, god i hope i don't loose them  forever, they were one of the few people who stayed there with me while my ED and SH         and lisent to me while i was thinking about endding it all, and here i'm coming and snap at them when they dissagree with me once, god i'm horrible preson, and i don't deserve them   at all   

i'm closer and closer to tara's house, if i know it right  they have a girlfriend sleep over, which means that darcy will sleepover for 2 night straight, tara  posted a pictureon istagram that they are  having a sleepover and the whole night i was thinking about if i should go up to them and talk to them today, so that what i'm doing  at 5 pm had only like 3 hours  of sleep  and woken up about 1 hour ago (after  a nap) and then pacing around my room while having a panick attack  and then decided to go to tara's house and apoligize  them and hopping that they accapte my apology        even if i don't see a good chance for that 

i can see her house and i stop rethinking my life choices there is a side of my mind that say that "go for it!" but the other says "run away and fuck it your going to uni is 4 months, and probably won't  see them again in your life" and now i'm on the bad thought side put i push it away i  need to atleast try, i mean i'm going to uni in a few months and then find a new friend, and start a new friend, and propably forget about his whole situation, and then we will meet in a few years after we finished uni too and we are goona talk about all the shit in school and we will laugh about it, and that can happen to nick, when i'm gonna look at him like a friend and not a person i love in romantic way, and we are gonna laugh about our break up, he will tell me about his girlfriend and about his life , and i'm gonna talk about my boyfriend who care about me and who loves me and i gonna tell him about my life, or we are going to forget about eachother             that could happen too

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