• A Blackbird's Serenade •

"When Autumn Leaves Start To Fall"

Tiana

Love is harder than people let on.

I'd always imagined it easy and soft, like a lullaby putting you to sleep with a warm smile tugging your lips. I imagined it like a joyous ride, with your hands in the air and the wind blowing in your hair as you cheesed with not a care in the world.

Only, nobody told me about the possibilities of running out of gas, rain pouring down on you, or nightmares creeping in while you sleep.

They don't talk about the maddening feeling that stirs at the pit of your stomach with enough heightened emotion to sicken you. They don't tell you that sometimes it's anything but what you see in the movies. That it can make you cry just as much as it can make you smile and laugh... They don't tell you what you're supposed to do when you hit those bumps in the road.

They don't mention how uncertain and scary it can be...

I knew that I'd loved her since the moment she stood up on that stage and it felt like just the two of us in that club, her gaze a tether of gold to mine. A part of me had known since she smiled at me once and suddenly I'd never seen something so beautiful. Since her laugh, and her moans, had become ethereal music to my ears. Something I knew without a doubt I'd never grow tired of hearing, something I want to make happen again and again.

My love for Journee was almost beyond me in a way. I don't think myself capable of doing anything else.

Even when she yells at me, I love her. When she's teasing me or captures my lips with a smile. When she's happy, and when she's sad. When she's looking into my eyes with a death stare, or one of aching pain and hurt... When I'm upset and angry with her... I love her. Either next to me or thousands of miles away, mentally or physically, I love her...

I couldn't fathom spending my days with anyone else.

No matter if we were at each other's throats, got upset and needed space for days, or cut each other deep with our careless actions. I didn't care. None of that swayed me away because it was just fine as long as it was all with her.

I'd always been a person that seeked understanding, for I could never seem to stop asking a million questions of wonder. Even as a child.

I'd ask and seek answers, often satisfied when finding them. Uncertainties and unpredictabilities never sat well with me, and I don't know if they ever will. I know a lot, and I've figured out a number of things for myself and on my own. Before her, I was secure in who I was, what I wanted, and where I wanted to go in life. I'd had a plan since childhood and was focused on accomplishing every bit of it with precision.

But Journee changed all of that, in the blink of an eye.

She made me feel things that I couldn't even begin to understand, igniting questions that I hadn't even thought to ask.

I've learned and realized so much more than I even thought possible since being with her. Not necessarily academically, though a bit physically, but mostly spiritually. Emotionally... Something foreign and that I'd yet to conjure the courage to face. All my life I'd never done well dealing with and processing my emotions, but I had no problem tackling everything else head on. I'd always steered clear of it, for it was the one thing I simply didn't want to understand.

Journee had opened that door for me, in more ways than one. Her strength inspired me to steel myself the same, and to trust myself and the things I was feeling. She held my hand as I walked through that door marked with formidable mystery, and caressed it with her thumb as I'd pause or cover my eyes in fear.