The screams. The voices. The arguing. All in my head. The itching. The waking. Sleep deprived me. Insomnia diseased me. Bipolar depression. Headaches. Unwanted tears. Alone. Trapped in my head. I feel dead but I'm not.
Wishing to be dead, but wanting to be alive. begging for love but dismissing it. Unknown anger. Unknown sadness. The craving for something out of reach. Something foreign to me. Craving for love and compassion, something I refuse to show. Fear of emotion. Fear of emotional pain. Fear of Heartbreak and disappointment.
Fear of loneliness drives me this way. My family disowned me. My friends have left me. The one I truly loved, walked away. This excruciating pain. Burning holes into my chest. Only cure for it is blood. Craving the blood of those who have harmed me. A vampire's need. But I am no vampire, but a psycho indeed.
This need to feed. This want to hunt is tearing me apart. These voices in my head begging me to listen. People say follow my heart. But what if my heart is twisted black and gray? It's 50 shades of fucked up. Not clean nor pure. Violated by life, I feel no love. Fighting to stay sane. I feel the hatred running through me.
I lift up my drink and take some sips. Then I down the whole cup. Thinking and pouring, not a good thing. Listening to the voices and considering their plans. Drinking and thinking, more drinking than thinking. Pacing, so much pacing. Screaming in my head, banging. Drink some more. Calming. The voices are explaining and I consider.
Which is quicker? The gun or the knife. The gun of course, but have you earned it?
Am I worthy of a quick, painless death or do I want to make myself suffer? Your suffering will bring joy to others.
Do I have the strengthen to do it myself? You better, you worthless piece of shit.
I ponder on my thoughts, staring into the darkness of myself. I'm in my head, a scary place to be.
Ending it all sounds like bliss.
The voices. My only real friends, who tell me the truth, beckon to me from the gun in the box under the bed. I pick it up and caress the weapon: my savior, my salvation, my Alpha and Omega. This gun, the only thing that can permanently silence the voices. I put the gun on my temple, and I'm gone...
Temporarily.
I wake up in the hospital... to the voices...
She's too useless to even kill herself correctly
