wolfstar oneshots!

3. I'm Not Angry Anymore/Twin Sized Mattress (TW)

I'm not angry anymore
Well, sometimes I am
I don't think badly of you
Well, sometimes I do

(WARNING: Child abuse described in detail, please skip if you aren't comfortable!)

"SIRIUS! Stop wallowing in your self-pity and apologise to Remus! It is the least he deserves!" McGonagall shouts one day during Sirius' mandatory all-year detention. She simply couldn't begin to grasp why Sirius would ever betray Remus, not when you could see in his eyes how much he loved him.

"...I can't. Christ, Professor I cannot. I regret it, I really do, but I am not shallow enough to be blinded only by the hatred I have for Sniv- Snape. Please understand that it's deeper than that."

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Remus sighs as he walks past the Transfiguration classroom. He has the urge to press his ear to the door, to understand how McGonagall is punishing Sirius. He isn't angry. Not anymore. But Sirius' grovelling just makes him want to understand what pushed him to do it in the first place. He notices a crack in the door and presses his back to the wall next to it, resting his head and closing his eyes, listening to the conversation going on inside.

"Whatever is the 'deeper meaning' then, Sirius? Why would you do something like that?"

"Fuck... it's a shit reason, Professor. Forget I said anything."

"No. It's important. Was it something that happened before? A... series of events that lead up to your decision?"

"...Yes. During Christmas, I went home. My parents were worse than usual. This isn't an excuse, but since I have been at Hogwarts, I have been sent to St. Mungo's 6 times, twice with life threatening injures, including this Christmas. The nurses- they've started getting worried. My parent's money isn't enough to buy their silence anymore, and rumours are spreading. Slytherins don't like me anyways, but outside of Hogwarts... I'm this pathetic, weak boy. They hate me more now, since they found out what my parents do, and to the extent at which they do it. I mean, I've had my back torn open. I dislocated my shoulder and then broke several ribs when I was smashed into a wall... I've had the Cruciatus curse used several times on me, to the point where I had to be put in an induced coma last summer for a week before my body was strong enough to function normally again. They have more reasons to beat me up over the same stupid pureblood supremist shit that only twats from the Middle Ages believe in, like the Blacks. I need the upper hand. I want to make them sorry, because having different beliefs to your parents is NOT a reason for them to hurt you... and Snape, wanting to be a part of something like that out of his own will, even though his mum is a muggle. Why? Why are people willingly following people like the Dark Lord and not facing repercussions, and why am I to blame for wanting to make that happen?"

"You did it at the cost of Remus' safety and wellbeing."

"That's the only reason as to why I regret it! I love him. I love him so bloody much... I hate myself for what I did, I swear, I do! But Snape deserves hell. He said that- he said that if I didn't tell him where Remus went every month, he would tell my parents that I was- I am gay. I can't- no. That would have resulted in my death. I tried to tell him early, during the day, and I thought he wouldn't believe me! If I went down to the Shack in time..."

"It was his death or yours?"

"I... no."

"Why not?"

"His death could've been- and was- prevented. Mine wouldn't have. I would've been dead by July."

Remus slowly slides down the wall, sounds around him muffled as Sirius confesses to his horrible experiences. His gut twisted at the thought of what Sirius had described. An Unforgivable. On a 15 year old boy. He thinks back to the time when Sirius had a broken arm for a week after quidditch practice, and the only reason he went to see Madame Pomfery was because Fabian Prewett said his elbow looked wonky, and Sirius had just replied that his arm felt the same as ever. Was he that bad of a friend that he didn't notice? That he didn't listen when Sirius begged and begged to just let him explain? This explanation answered Remus' every question, and he felt sick to his stomach as he took one last look at the broken boy.

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This is for the snakes and the people they bite
For the friends I've made for the sleepless nights
For the warning signs I've completely ignored
There's an amount to take, reasons to take more
It's no big surprise you turned out this way
When they close their eyes and prayed you would change
And they cut your hair, and sent you away
You stopped by my house the night you escaped
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, hey man, I love you but no fucking way.

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Author's Note: Sorry for all the angst, but I got loads of inspiration from 'A Far Cry from Perfect' on Ao3 by Engie_Ivy, right down to the detailing of the injuries Sirius mentions. An extremely sad book, really recommend!!

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