random things in lowercase letters

reasons i can't let anyone love me

you grabbed me by the hand, tears streaming down your face.
and with a shaking voice, you asked me.
"why did you left?"
i can't look straight in your eyes because i can see how broken you are. you are suffering from the pain
i've curved in your heart when i left you that night without explanation. and i regret it in every tick of a watch i wrapped around my wrist to hide every line i learned to drew on my skin.
i can feel the warmth of your palm holding me like i was made of glass you were so afraid to break.
you wouldn't let me go.
i composed myself—trying to find the right words to say,
"i was scared, you're too perfect for me. you give 99% of your love yet i can't even give you 1% of them. i'm not the bravest soldier, but you're the toughest warrior and i'm terrified . . .
that i might perceived you as my enemy and stab you with the knife that was already filled with blood—with my own blood when i stabbed myself first.
i was terrified that you were just a part of my imagination and when i tried to touch you you'll turn into dust and i'll be left alone again.
so, i made a decision and rode in that train while you were sleeping soundly on your bed thinking i was the one you are hugging instead of the white pillow we used to share with.
i have caused you so much pain and i don't deserve even the slightest of your forgiveness.
i was traumatized.
i did all the right thing i could do
yet
i can't seem to fix the damage of the storm has brought to my house.
i can't let you in.
i don't want a visitor.
i still have to make sure that every foundation of my heart is strong enough to withstand another war and chaos.
you're not hard to love,
you just loved a girl who isn't healed yet.