Confessions of A Fake Hopeless Romantic

06:

06:

'it's easier holding a grudge, i'd rather be angry than crushed'
- too well, renee rapp

—

New environments scared me. It took me at least a month to get used to a space that was unfamiliar. I first noticed this when I was in grade 3. For the first 3 weeks of grade 3, my heart would start pounding whenever the car approached the school gates. I didn't know why my body reacted the way it did, and when I asked my mother about it, she didn't give me any clear reason as to why it felt like I was going to be performing on stage when I was merely going to be seeing my new teacher.

The older I got, the more I realised that because I felt the need to perform for people, it put a weight on my shoulders. I was obsessed with being the perfect person. The perfect daughter to my mother and the perfect learner to my teachers. I got praised at school for being such a good student, that was easy to teach and non-disruptive and I felt like my family members had a soft spot for me because I was a respectful kid. Never talking back, always doing what I'm told to without complaining and biting my tongue even when I felt wronged because I didn't want to cause an argument.

The pressure of wanting to be bearable weighed me down heavily. I diluted myself. I broke myself into more digestible pieces so that people would not push me away. Apologising even when I knew I was the one that was hurt was familiar to me, but a little bit of journalling helped me to get over situations like those.

I knew that I just enjoyed the feeling of being liked regardless of whether it was my true self people liked or not but I ended up watering myself down so heavily, it resulted in me forgetting what it was like to be myself.

When I entered the lecture room for my first class of the semester, I already knew that I would not pick up my hand to answer any questions, because merely just being in class, made me feel very anxious.

I sat at the back, trying to listen attentively to what the lecturer was saying but I knew it was already over when my mind kept on wandering back to Andile.

He hadn't texted me.

I wanted to pretend that I didn't care, but at the back of my mind I wondered what was it about me that made him not want to text me. He took my numbers in between all the making out that we were doing. He shouldn't have done that if he wasn't going to text me. He shouldn't have led me to believe that there was going to be an 'after' when the party ended and it was time to go back to res.

I sighed and fidgeted with my pen.

The lecturer's voice sounded like a sound in the distance, overpowered by the memories of that games night. Overthrown by the boy with the nice lips that I'll never see again.

That was the problem with me, I liked being wanted, and the fact that Andile didn't want me, annoyed me a bit.

When class was over, I felt relieved.

I knew that I would have to review the lesson all over again but I didn't mind because I did it to myself.

If you couldn't tell already, I was really good at self-sabotaging.

★

I was back at res, in the middle of reviewing today's notes when I received a text from Rea.