You saved my life

Chapter 17: kokichis panik attack

this is a sensitive topic and there are gonna be more chapters like this so please carefully read the warnings and if you can't read topics like that, then please don't read this chapter!  I'll always put the warnings at the beginning.

Warning: Panik attack, hallucinations

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Kokichis pov:

Everything started to change and my face was drowned in tears. I saw him...I heard him..

Why are you still here?! Do you really think your parents would want that?!

It kept repeating words like this. I didn't notice how I was destroying the mirror in the bathroom and how my hand was bleeding. Everything didn't matter to me anymore. I was searching for more pills, but I knew that I didn't have any anymore. My hands and legs started to shake and my heart was rasing. This wasn't the first time, but I thought this pain was finally over. I didn't have one since almost one year so why..WHY?

It felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. It felt like I was going crazy as I saw him everywhere. He spoke to me he was next to me and all I could do was listen. I was scared that I would die. I had no control anymore. I wanted to scream but my body didn't let me. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. It was like a prison. A prison I couldn't escape. I looked around and it looked like I wasn't in my room anymore. Everything was red and black. I felt hands on my neck. Like they were trying to choke me to death. My tears didnt stop and suddenly I saw him really everywhere. In front of me, next to me. He didn't leave me. I got the feeling that I need to vomit as I was coughing. My hands were bloody, so was my face. I didn't even know what was real anymore. All I could do was cry and hope that it would be over soon. My whole body shook and I tried to use my methods to make it stop, but they all didn't work. My breathing was the same and so was my vision. I destroyed so many things on my way to the bed. Shattered glass was lying on the floor and small blood stains were on the walls. I could only watch the hallucination in horror as he came closer.

Shuichi pov:

I really hope that kokichis alright. He was coughing blood before..maybe he already treated himself. I just need to know if he's alright, even tho I know that he wants to be alone right now.  I sighed and went to his room. His door was of course closed, but I could her a faint crying wich made me really worried. I knocked on the door but he didn't give an answer, so i opened the door a bit, to see that his room was dark. My eyes widden as I saw kokichi sitting in the middle of the room...crying. He was looking down on the floor. Everything was dark except the light that was coming from the other room. I looked to the side slowly to see his bathroom door open. Empty Medicaments were lying on the floor. The mirror was broken. Did..he do this..?! Did..Did he take all the medications?!
I looked back to him.

Shuichi:...kokichi?

He then slowly started to look up, pure horror in his face. It looked like he didn't recognize me..

Kokichi: G-GO AWAY! PLEASE..DO-DONT HURT ME.!

He started to throw things at me..he screamed at me like I was someone different. Is..he having..a panic attack?! I tried to calm myself down. I can't panic otherwise he will only panic more. I started to speak as calm as possible.

Shuichi: kokichi..I won't hurt you. It's me! Everything is gonna be alright just..calm down..

I came closer to him but I did it as slow as I could so he wouldn't be scared. I knelt down and wanted to talk again, but then he suddenly attacked my face and left a scratch on my face. It hurted. It hurted a lot. I held my face and kokichi continued to scream with tears that I should leave him alone, but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave him like this so I hugged him. Not to tight so it wouldn't hurt him.

Shuichi: please..kokichi calm down. It's me. I'm here..no one will hurt you just..just calm down..please.

I continued to speak softly to him even tho he started to hurt my arms and face. He wanted me to let go but I didn't give up. If I would leave him when he acts like that..he would probably start to hurt himself. I'd rather have him hurting me than himself, that's why I just kept holding him into arms, hoping that his panic attack will finally be over, but it didn't. He continued crying, hurting me.

Kokichi: WHY..WHY DO YOU WANT TO DESTRYO MY LIFE..LET.ME GO.!

Shuichi:..I'm not here to destroy your life..please it's me..Kokichi think. Don't let your fear overcome you.

It continued for almost 2 hours. I never knew that a panic attack could be so long, but after the 2 hours kokichi stopped hurting me. He stopped screaming. Only tears were falling down his usual shining eyes. It hurted me to see him like this. I didn't care how much he hurted me. I just wanted him to be okay. After so,e seconds kokichi only leaned into this hug, not hugging back. I sighed while shaking. After a time he then spoke..

Kokichi:..you..you..can..l-let me g-go now..

Shuichi:..a..are you sure?

He nodded and so I let him go carefully. Kokichi looked at me tired. He then looked down at my arms as he realized how my face looked. He started crying once again.

Kokichi:..d..d..d-did I do..that?

Shuichi:..yeah..but believe me it's alright! You weren't in your right mind-

His tears fell down my arms as he know looked in my eyes.

Kokichi:..g-gosh..I'm..I'm so..so..sorry..! I..I didn't mean to I swear! I..I'm a..a monster!..

I shook my head and placed one hand on his cheek.

Shuichi:..your not a monster. I know that you didn't want to do this. I still see you the same way. Also it doesn't even hurt anymore..so don't cry okay?

Kokichi: Y-You s-sure? You..your completely full of..

Shuichi: I'm sure.

Kokichi: but-but your bleeding!..I..I'm gonna get a..a..a medi kit! I'm..I'm so..so..so sorry!

He then just ran into his broken bathroom. I didn't notice I was bleeding, but then I looked at my arms again and I actually was. He came back and started to treat my wounds.he spoke with such a worried voice that I've never heard before.

Kokichi: I'm..I'm..so sorry! Are..Are you sure your fine?

Shuichi:....im fine kokichi, okay?..But..your not..I think it's time you tell me what happened..

I looked kokichi straight in the eyes as I said that. He stopped for a moment but then continued to treat my wounds and nodded.

Kokichi:...y-your right..you..you deserve..to know no-now..

Sooo..this was the chapter hope you liked it! I really hate writing kokichi angst sometimes, because he is my comfort character. It hurts me to write like that about him, but well! I really hope you liked it!! I also know that all the apologies don't help so yeah.

Well read each other in the next chapter!<3