Dead By Night Time - [ENGLISH]

20. A Letter And Tears

Pov Asher Wilson
________________

Both me and Billie went home after she finished the call with Trix Rottwell. It didn't take very long since Trix knew nothing and had no details to say about Bea, except that Bea was very emotional when she spoke with Trix, so maybe that would have been something to worry about. 

Billie had allowed me to take Bea's notebook and diary with me to my house, so I could read it there in peace without having the feeling of being illegal since I was in someone else's bedroom. 

I slumped down on my bed as soon as I entered my bedroom and looked at my messy bed. The blankets were wrinkled and my pillow laid a little above the middle of my bed. My mind drifted back to Bea's bedroom while staring at my own bed. 

It hadn't been really messy, like I expected it to be. She had a lot of stuff on her desk, but yet it was organized. The walls had a light colored paint and her bed was dressed in an ocean blue color, it had been beautiful and it was clear that the room was decorated by Bea. 

The reason why I had dumped myself on her bed the first second I entered her room was a simple one. I basically wanted to smell her, to be in the place she had been every single night, wanting to feel her energy. 

Just wanting to be close to her again.

When I had laid my head under her pillow, I had found a folded piece of paper, which appeared to be a letter. I didn't tell Billie I had found it, because I wanted to know what was in it firstly but I couldn't read it there since every 30 seconds Billie glanced at me like I was going to do something stupid and she wanted to prevent that. 

With a groan I sank down on my back, feet still on the ground as I pulled the paper out the pocket of my pants, folding it open quietly and carefully, not wanting to rip it by accident. Bea's neat handwriting appeared and it surprised me how many sentences actually fitted on a piece of paper. 

After inhaling deeply, preparing me for what possibly could stand in the paragraph, I let my eyes slide over the first sentence. 

_

Thursday, 16th of May, 1.37 AM.

I'm so tired. Physically and mentally. I thought I would get better when I woke up that day as a ten year old, I thought I wouldn't be stuck in this dark hole anymore. I should be a free, happy girl and I would've forgotten everything that happened back then, but the feeling won't disappear, the memories won't disappear, the flashbacks, the scars, everything and I'm feeling so lost. 

Present is like a nightmare I can't wake up from and it's taking every little bit of energy I work so hard for. Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't wake up so everything would be alright for me, I would be in peace and I would enjoy it, well, I guess I would. I don't know what's after death, but I'm sure it's better than how I live my life now. 

But honestly, I don't want to die, maybe fade away, I don't want to let go or lose control, but I'm so weak at the moment and I don't know how to survive anymore. And it sucks because I don't want to ask others for help, I already do that way too much, I'm a burden to them. Still, everyday when I'm in school I'm hoping so bad a teacher notices me and ask me how I'm doing so I can vent to them, so they see I can't keep this up anymore, and I'm sure that if that doesn't happen soon I will break down in a lesson anyway, or if Asher bullies me or something. 

I'm scared, I'm so scared. I'm scared for my parents' mental health, I'm scared for school, for work, for therapy, for my friends, and maybe I'm scared for myself the most. It's like my brain doesn't function well anymore and that that causes the hallucinations and dreams and I don't know how to deal with it because I just don't understand it and it doesn't make any sense to me which makes it scary and difficult to talk about. 

I don't like to talk about myself anyways, I don't want to be in the spotlight and I don't want people to think that I'm a poser and that the things I tell them are weird in their opinion. I'm scared for their opinion, because I just know that they won't understand me and if they don't understand me they will find me weird. 

You know, sometimes all I need is a hug to survive the day, and then I mean from someone else then from momma or dad, because I often get hugs from them and I don't find it special anymore, but I still love it, I wouldn't be able to live without them. Riley used to give me hugs in school everyday, but she's suddenly so busy and all, sometimes I even wonder if she just tells me that so she doesn't have to see me that often anymore. 

Billie in that case does give me hugs, but not that often, unfortunately, and I'm scared to ask for hugs. I mean, what if it bothers her? Maybe she will find me too clingy if I stick to her all day and will create distance between the two of us. If I can't lose someone it's her so I guess I should just be careful with what I do with her. 

And Dustin, I don't know about him. I've noticed I find our friendship very difficult. I love the way he hugs me, and I genuinely feel safe in his arms. If it were possible, I would just fall asleep in his arms and stay there until I could handle it again, until I could handle life again. But I wouldn't, he isn't the one I would want to sleep with. I don't want to sound rude but he's so selfish sometimes and I can't handle that sometimes. 

He's always complaining about other people like he is the greatest man alive, like he's a god and everybody should honor him. Not mentioning the fact yet that he acts like I'm his girlfriend. I love him, I don't doubt that, but the thing is that I love him as a friend, and not as more, but he doesn't understand that, I think. It's clear that we don't belong together, isn't it? Or am I just stupid? 

A few days ago Asher messed with me again, first he just made some dumb comments about my clothes, but I didn't mind it since I'm used to it. But then Matt came as well and I guess he overheard Asher talking shit to me because he went further on it. He told me my clothes were ugly and didn't look good on me, which wasn't the worst thing he said because he exactly repeated what Asher had said a minute ago, but then he told me to take them off and grabbed me by the shirt, trying to pull it up. 

I never had been more scared then at that moment. For a moment I had felt how weak I actually am and how quick I had accepted my faith and what he did to me. I broke down in tears immediately, but it was late already so no other students were around and it happened at the lockers, which isn't a very visible place for the teachers or janitors. 

I thought Asher would join him, but he actually didn't. Instead he yanked me away from Matt and held me up against his chest. Matt didn't accept that at all and still tried to do me dirty. Somehow I ended up fully pressed with my chest against Asher's chest as he held one arm around my waist while using the other to keep Matt distant. It didn't take long before Matt scolded Asher with horrible things and left the school. 

Asher didn't hold me any longer than needed and left after without  a word more too, but the moment that he held me honestly felt so safe. It felt different then when Dustin or Billie held me. It's probably nothing special, but for me it was. Everytime I write something down about what he did to me that time and I mention the word "bullying" I feel like that isn't the right description. Asher doesn't bully me. Or I'm just too stupid to think he doesn't, maybe I'm just too used to it. 

Honestly I think I get attached to the wrong people. I get attached to the wrong people because I think they will turn good and in the end they hurt me twice as much, which is totally unnecessary because I just shouldn't get attached to them. I can hate myself for it, or maybe I already do, I don't know. 

I don't like myself anyway, I never did anymore due to that accident, I hate it, I don't want to live like this. Life is killing me. I feel numb and empty, useless. Everything is tearing me apart. But at least I've tried...

_

I stared at the text for a long time, my mind blank except for the one thought creeping in the back of my mind, but I didn't want to think about that one. The one that asked if Bea went missing due to someone, or due to herself. The one that asked if this missing was about a kidnapping or suicide. 

While pressing my lips tightly on each other in a horizontal line, I blinked a few times, trying to suppress the tears burning in my eyes. I pressed the back of my hand against my lips and closed my eyes while laying the letter down. 

I laid my forearm over my eyes, feeling my skin soak in tears as the first sob left my mouth. 

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