In My Opinion

They're Coming by IamRegal

Full title: They're coming [ongoing] by IamRegal
Source: Blossom Awards 2024
Category: Thriller
Mature: Y (violence)
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 31/40 (did not progress to round 2)

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.

*****

Round 1 total: 31/40

Title: 8/10
Both words of the title should be capitalized, and you don't need the [ongoing] bit. You've already marked the story as Ongoing.

Blurb/synopsis: 9/10
This would be more legible if you added a space between paragraphs, and "Colorado springs" should be "Colorado Springs." I'd move the credit for the model to the second section below the asterisks, as that's the credits section. Otherwise, good, gripping blurb.

Cover: 7/10
There's something about the man on the right that I don't like, something to do with how the image overlays the woman's face. Maybe it feels a little green-screeny or photoshopped? I'm not sure how to fix that. Is there some way to soften the edges, especially of his hair, so everything feels like one, cohesive image? Like I said, I'm not sure, but that's the feel I'm getting. On another note, and this isn't something I'm deducting points for or anything, but do the twins spend most of the book shirtless? If not, I'd put some clothes on them for the cover.

Anyway, moving on, the title - the font feels like something you would use for royalty. I think, for your story, a harder font would work better, something with less flourish and less depth. The text color might be fine, but it feels wrong to me right now, although I think that's more to do with the font itself. You'd have to reevaluate after changing the font. I'd increase the font size of the text at the top, just a little, so the reader doesn't have to squint to see it, and you can drop the "By" before your name.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 7/10
I love the content warning. A general warning in the blurb would be nice, too, just so readers who know they have triggers can decide right away if they want to read on or not.

The first paragraph has some excessive wordiness in the second to last sentence. You can just say, "...and it keeps replaying in my head." Same thing with the first sentence of the next chapter. You can just say, "I got up by 6am, two hours earlier than normal." The "literally" isn't necessary in the next paragraph. There are a lot of extra "hads" that aren't necessary, too, so, just a thing to watch. Long, descriptive sentences and extra words are fine at times, but there are times when it's smoother and feels more natural to cut it shorter. A good way to check is to just read the story aloud. You'll feel how natural or unnatural the phrasing is, and you may even automatically correct it while you're saying it.

When a proper name ends in an "s", you only need an apostrophe to show possession: Elvis' instead of Elvis's.

Dialogue is an area you can work on, specifically, punctuation. This is something that trips a lot of people up. The rules differ based on your English usage, but I don't think there's a usage that says you put punctuation within the quotation marks and outside them to end a section of dialogue. US says inside, UK says outside. Whichever you use, you just need to be consistent. Using an editing tool that supports your English usage can be very handy here to catch the little mistakes that are super easy to make. Also, setting individual sections of dialogue apart in their own paragraphs helps the reader follow a conversation better. So, Elvis talks, paragraph, she talks, etc.

You have a tendency to pluralize words that should be singular. "Excitements" should just be "excitement," "armors" should just be "armor." Word choice can be odd at times, too, like, "Everyone went bizarre." It's more natural to say, "Everyone went crazy." Same meaning, but "crazy" feels better on the tongue. When the shooter kicks at the door, you say, "severally," but it should be "several times." Things like that. Just reading it aloud while proofreading will help you catch these things.

If you set the sentence after the principal's dialogue apart in its own paragraph, you'll increase its shock value immensely. Principal talks, paragraph, pow. The event that shook Colorado Springs happened. Next paragraph, pow, the shock and panic sets in.

Okay, I know I've pointed out a lot of things you can work on, but this is pretty solid. I feel the lightness and joy she felt at the beginning of her memory, tinged with sadness as she recounts it all, knowing what's to come. I feel the shock and terror when the shooting starts, her fading from reality when she gets shot, the yank of what I assume was CPR pulling her back to just barely conscious for a few seconds. It's gripping, and it's good. A little clean-up, whether from reading it aloud, or from using an editing tool (I recommend both), and this will be golden.