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Full title: The Touch | ONC 2024 by eclipswe__ Source: Feedback request Genre: Mystery/Thriller Subgenre: Dark romance Mature: Y (swearing, explicit sexual content) Status: Ongoing First impressions: 34/40 Digging deeper: 78/100 Final thoughts: pending
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*****
First impressions total: 34/40
Title: 10/10 This title is perfect for this story. It works for the creepy stalker aspect, it works for the sensual curiosity aspect, and it has gentle connotations for the unexpected romance aspect. Love it.
Blurb/synopsis: 9/10 This is a great blurb, but, having read the story (up to "The Glimpse"), it almost reads more like a prologue, giving background info that's only hinted at in the story. I don't think you should change the blurb at all, but I would recommend incorporating it into the story and bringing out these background elements more in your next edit.
Cover: 9/10 I've always loved this cover, but I am ashamed to say that I never realized the outlines were two people about to kiss until I reexamined it for this review. I think I missed it because the text overlays the people. Moving the text so it's fully inside the outline on the left, or moving it down below the outlines into the gray area, would probably fix that problem. But, anyway, I love the darkness that goes perfectly with the mystery/dark romance genres, the simplicity that is, in itself, complex.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10 Author's note: Interesting prompt choice.
Prologue (I'll just copy and paste my comment here and add to it if needed): I would recommend using an editing tool to clean this up a bit. The lines in italics kind of run together, so I would probably split those into separate paragraphs with spacing in between, like the non-italicized lines. Sometimes, you forget to capitalize the proper noun "I," or tenses don't agree, or there's spacing between punctuation and the words "existence , in). The tool I use is the free version of ProWritingAid, and it would catch most of these errors. It's also really easy to use. I love it. :)
This piques my interest, though. Once you finish this draft of the story, I'd love to see you come back and polish it with more description. What does he look like? What does she look like? What about the room? Are they in bed, or standing, or sitting down? And all that may not be necessary, depending on how much you want to leave as a mystery for further clarification later, but more description would round this chapter out a bit.
Chapter 1 (copy and pasting from my comment): I agree with the other comments. This is getting interesting. Just a thought about her thoughts (ha ha), sometimes they're set apart with italics, sometimes with quotation marks. It would be better if you picked one way and went with that throughout.
*****
Digging deeper total: 78/100
Cover & title: 9/10 See above.
Blurb: 4/5 See above.
Grammar & voice: 5/20 5+ SPAG mistakes per chapter, but you have a solid, unique voice that comes through loud and clear, and, as I've noted in the comments repeatedly, you improve with every chapter.
Plot & pacing: 10/10 Perfect. Not too fast, not too slow, increasing the tension and mystery with every chapter.
Characterization: 20/20 You get into Stella's head and pull us into her story. I can't relate to her stubborn curiosity and arousal as she gets more bits and pieces about her stalker, but her reactions fit for her personality, and I can see that and understand it - even though I would be huddled in a closet crying and calling the police. ;)
Harmony within genre: 10/15 This is definitely Mystery/Thriller and 100% Dark Romance, so that's not an issue at all. The point deduction comes from the disjointed correlation with the blurb, which does go with the story, but, as I've noted above, I'd like to see better incorporated into the text.
Originality: 20/20 I don't know how you came up with this story. You noted the prompt you selected from ONC 2024, and I would never have come up with this idea. Stella is an incredibly unique character, at least to me, and there is nothing unoriginal about any of this.
*****
Final thoughts: pending
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