Secrets of the mute

Chapter 21

The week that passed seemed like a daze for Kalani, being in and out of reality. Everyone around her could sense there was something wrong but she denied all allegations. She would go about during the day as if everything was alright, trying her best to stay put but at night all her bottled emotions would crash down on her; making her unable to sleep.

It hurt so bad to lose her baby. Her last one. She'd vowed to never have a child willingly; afraid of not being a good mother or the child have the same ugly fate as her. This was her last opportunity and because of her stupidity she lost them.

Why couldn't she just look after it?

Why would she punish her child by starve herself?

Why did she not seek help when needed?

Why did she not consult a doctor, even in secret?

It was all her fault and she deserved it.

No child would ever want a mother like her anyway; selfish, negligent, weak, and damaged.

A mother should strive to provide the best life for their children no matter the sacrifices that along. A mother should love her children unconditionally; instead of being ashamed of them and thinking of ways to get rid of them.

All these crazy thoughts wouldn't leave her alone, day and night. It was exhausting, she couldn't handle it. Her mother lied in the dream. There was no way of coping with the loss of a child. And it most definitely was not for the best.

How could she continue to live, knowing she was the cause of the death of her children. The dream had revealed that she would have had twin daughters, and two sons.

Four babies.

She couldn't fathom how that was possible. The guilt was immense. How could her mother do this to her. She took away her last baby. Her last hope. Her last son.

Sighing deeply, she got out of bed and strolled into the bathroom, grabbing a razor blade from the cabinet. Bloodshot eyes stared back at her from the mirror as she slowly glided the blade to her wrist but not deep enough to cut anything yet.

"You need to stay and live your life. Just because mine is over, doesn't mean you need to end yours" her mother's words echoed back to her.

Her weight came crashing down, causing her to slump to the ground. Shoulders shaking as she sobbed for her pathetic life. She couldn't do anything. Not even end her life.

How useless.

She wished this was all a dream and would wake up to still being that 9 years old girl, sleeping in her mother's arms, with nothing to worry about.

Having no more tears left to cry, she gathered herself up and went to shower. She came out and decided to get dressed for school and finish off some assignments that was due in two weeks since there was still two hours left before her alarm rang.

She ended up finishing earlier than expected and went downstairs to help prepare breakfast with the cooks. They always arrived early so they could ensure nothing was missing and that it was all done on time.

"Good morning, Miss" one of the maids greeted. She politely smiled in response. "Is there anything you would like?" She shook her head, no.

"No. I'm here to help. If that's okay?" The maid smiled not surprised, it wasn't her first time helping them out, specially in the mornings. "Would you mind setting the table. By then your brothers should be down." Kalani nodded and did as told.

Vincenzo had come in as she set the last cup down. "Morning" his deep voice startled her. She turned to him, smiling in acknowledgment. Her smile didn't reach her eyes and he could tell it wasn't realistic.