2024: diary of a girl in her 20s

06.02 Sonny and Lin "beef"

I woke up not very soon, at 10 I think. I had breakfast, showered... took my time and went to the library at 11:30 or something like that. Sonny, Lin and Tony were there. I sat in a table next to Sonny and I began studying for Narrative. As I studied I realise how little time I had left and how much I still had to study for, and decided the wisest option was to go to the second call, on June 26, since it will be only exam I have left to prepare for.

Nate texted asking if I wanted hot chocolate and pastries for late breakfast, I said yes. He stopped by with his bike at 13 or so, and we ate the food, which I shared with Sonny. After a while he left and we went back into the library.

Sonny and I went in together and we shared his airpods, listening to music together. We ended up talking for at least an hour about childhood memories and laughing. Then I found out he had sent my Narrative notes to Lin, I'm not sure how I felt about that. I'm not mad that Sonny gave her the notes (I think), I'm mad that she has my notes, in general. Simply because I spent many hours going to class and taking what I think are very good notes, and now someone who has not put up with the work required for that subject (because the only way to get notes in that subject is by showing up to class; there is no textbook, no power points etc) has all of my notes just like that, without doing any work whatsoever, and now this person will probably pass the exam because she has the notes that I spent many hours working on. Yes I guess I am a little mad about the situation.

Sonny could feel that so he said sorry a few times, I said it was okay. Again, I'm not fully mad at Sonny, perhaps just annoyed. What I'm angry about is the general/abstract situation in which someone takes advantage of someone else's hard work. It's just that it took me a lot of time and effort, and she didn't do any work, and I don't want her doing the easy work because of me. And Sonny in a way is the one who has enabled this situation to take place but for some reason I don't feel mad at him, I feel more mad at Lin for not going to class and using my notes for the exam.

Anyway. Sonny apologised and he even said he would make it up to me by inviting me to lunch one day because he felt bad about the Lin thing, and also to compensate because I did give him all my notes (which are very extense and detailed). I did mind giving him my notes a little because many times he doesn't go to class simply because he doesn't feel like it, but this year he was also working and literally couldn't attend the Monday classes, so I thought that was okay. And also I don't mind half as much because Sonny and I always study together for our exams, and both he and I help each other a lot academically speaking, so I feel like it compensates giving my notes, since we both put equal work into studying and helping each other study. I feel it more like a 50/50 situation in terms of work and effort put into the subject which we both share with each other, like a "fair/equal" situation. Whereas with Lin it is not like that, I don't feel that "comradeship" regarding helping each other study or go to class or whatever, it's just she using my notes, which was her responsibility to take notes, because without those notes she literally would not be able to pass the course.

Anyway, about the dinner Sonny said he would "take me on", I doubt he will. I know him, he's too "shy" in terms of "emotions". I mean, the reason he wants to invite me is because he feels like he owes it to me, or perhaps because he just wants to say thank you, but it comes definitely from a position of saying "thank you". And I think that having that scenario in mind makes thing a little more "intimate", I mean that the excuse for the lunch/dinner now has a purpose/reason, that comes from saying "thank you, I really appreciate your help", it is not a random lunch that we have gone to in the past simply because we feel like eating chinese food, this is different. And Sonny is a super low key guy, it takes him forever to say thank you or sorry or whatever, not because of pride, he's just too shy to show emotions openly. It's okay I also am. But yeah there's that.

So I had lunch with Lin and Sonny. Lin and Sonny said my animal energy was a squirrel, my colour energy brown, car was something classic, I think Sonny said classic BMW something.

I went back in, Sonny stayed with Lin because he had to help her with Narratology, apparently she didn't understand anything.

I went in, studied for some time. Then I packed my stuff and left to a cafeteria next to Stadium. I ordered coffee and mini chocolate croissant and went into the study room and studied there. I told Sonny I was there he said he was coming then.

The English 4 grades were published, I did terribly. 20/36 and 23/30, it's extremely poor. I don't even want to think about it. I don't understand what I did wrong, I think I did a good exam, I hate it. I cried in silence a little while Sonny was reading and I was studying Narrative, I don't think he noticed and I hope he didn't.

He finished the book and started packing and said bye. I said bye without looking at him because I was so down about the low mark. He left without saying anything. This is what I mean when I say he is shy about emotion. Like he clearly knew I was down but he didn't say or do anything at all. It doesn't annoy me, I actually don't care that he is that way, I'm not who to judge how you manage yourself or situations regarding other people, it's not my place at all. But I am aware of the way he is and I can see it reflected in my areas of his life, like in  that moment.

Going back home Owen texted I could stop by his place tomorrow morning to pick up Saint's gift, but he hasn't texted again since, so who knows. I have to go to the doctor on Monday and I also have an opera with Sonny in the afternoon.

I left without paying because I felt down. I got home and wrote this. I am going to have dinner, I hope study some more. Tomorrow I'll go to the library again. I'm sad bye.