the promise of flight

i hope your podcast was worth it

06/12/2024
i hope your podcast was worth it
386 words

is this really how it ends?
snowfall in the summer
you always leave me in my darkest nights
you scream that we're wrong
and i know we're killing ourselves
and i fight for the fun of it
but what if you're right?
what if
i am
too
far
gone?

you leave again
and i cry again
and i feel like shit again
and this happens too fucking
often to be healthy
why can't we just be friends?
why do i still want your attention

you've told me you hate me
too many times to count
but i keep asking you to say it
just one more time
just tell me again
i need to know for sure
but i cant be sure because you're never sure
so you joke about everything
turn it all into a game so you can
avoid the consequences of the things you say
but i can't avoid it
i can't run away from the way you made me feel
the butterflies are dead
but i'm not the one who killed them

now i sit in my dark bedroom
and throw curses at you
from the comfort of my lover's arms
as he cries into my shoulder
because you were his best friend, too
and i understand why you can't stand me
but he trusted you like a brother
and i'll put myself through hell for you
but i won't let you burn him.
you once told me
"i shouldn't have to walk
on eggshells every time i'm with you"
but you've been a chicken
since the day we met.
BUT WHAT DO I
FUCKING
DO WITH THAT

you talk shit about me on the internet
and yeah i do the same about you
but i can't hurt you in a way that matters
i can't tell you to go fuck yourself
i've considered it many times
but like an abusive ex
i just keep opening my door
every time you come crawling back
saying "im sorry, i was wrong"
"i got heated, i have shit going on"
you treat me like my brother did
anger issues out the ass
every time we talk i'm terrified
what if i set you off?
what if you don't love me anymore?
why don't you love me anymore?
why do i still want you to?