If Only You Could See Me Now

Chapter 9

“Do I have to go to school? Can’t I just skive off with you again?” Tom whines.

“Nope just because my brain may be broken doesn’t mean you have to get dumb with me,” I joke in reply. But Tom freezes at my words and pauses in packing his bag. “It’s not funny don’t joke about it,” he instructs looking up at me.

“I like joking about it. It makes it less real and threatening if I can find a way to make being in a coma humorous,” I explain in protest.

“I don’t want to think about it at all,” he insists.

“It’s not something that’s easily ignored and if I don’t say it out loud jokingly then it’s all up here in my mind as a threat,” I answer back.

“Just block it out,” he instructs.

“I can’t just block it out. I’m in a bloody coma! I might even…,”

“Don’t say it! Don’t even think it,” he suddenly shouts.

“You can’t ignore it forever,” I tell him quietly. He inhales deeply as if to acknowledge it for a second before returning to packing his bag. “Fine let’s go to school,” he says silencing the previous conversation.

We walk to school in complete and utter silence. The only person I can talk to is the one person out of everyone I know who is refusing to accept the real situation. He walks into the common room and within seconds one of his arrival one of Jen’s friends dashes over to us, well him. “Jen’s pretty mad at you. I mean she almost breaks her nose she really needed your support and you just disappear,” she explains rather angrily. Talk of the devil here comes Jen herself. “Oh hi Jen I was just explaining to Tom the situation,” she says sycophantically.

“I hope you understand how upset I was. Where were you?” Jen demands.

“I was with Jem,” he says without thinking. “I mean I was visiting Jem,” he corrects himself.

“What about me Tom?” Jen continues. I don’t have the energy to listen to this.

“Okay Tom I’ll leave this to you,” I say while walking away. “Good luck,” I add noticing the expression on Jen’s face.

I scan the common room and quickly spot Lily, Max and Jake in the place we always spend break. Dodging in between the cliques of friends I make my way to them and without thinking smile and say “hey guys.” Of course no one replies. Then finally it all catches up on me. I am in love with my best friend and I don't even have the guts to tell him, he is in love with the bitch from hell who has made my life a misery, she poisoned him against me and for the first time in years we properly fell out, I got hit down by a car and knocked into a coma, I'm a ghost who can only talk to my best friend, my best friend refuses to acknowledge the fact I’m in a coma, my other friend the only person besides me who knows about my secret is debating whether or not to tell him and I can't even tell her not to. That's not the kind of the thing you just brush off with a brave smile and a few laughs. That's the sort of thing you stupidly procrastinate about accepting, until it comes crashing down on you in one tsunami of despair and frustration, which is exactly what is happening to me now. I am drowning. Gasping for breath, helplessly flailing in the vast ocean of problems I have to face. I need to get out of this busy room which constantly reminds me that I’m not here, not fully anyway. I burst out of another door out of the corridor and into the playground.

Even in my ghostly form I can still feel the sting of October wind pierce my skin and whip my hair into my eyes. I can't hold it back any longer with nothing left to do I break down and cry the tears I have been holding back for a very long time. Hysterical cries of anguish rip out of my lungs ringing out from me into the air and not a soul can here me despite the fact that the place is heaving with people.