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bye bye baby-taylor swift 'i want you, bad but it's come down to nothing'
lynn walked home alone in the rain, but it wasn't like in the movies. the rain wasn't soaking though her clothes, her head held low, already feeling like a part of vanessa's past, and she had none other than herself to thank for that. when she heard luna's plan, it sounded like it might actually work. now she just felt stupid for beliving her.
she kicked the soccerball with force towards the wall. every memory of everyone who's ever wronged her flashed in the back of her mind, making her kick it even harder.
"lynn, could you stop that please" leni's head popped out from her bedroom window. lynn stopped for a moment, making her smile and close her window, but soon enough, the sound was heard again.
luna and lori parked vanzilla, giving each other confused glances, easily reading their younger sister.
"hey lynn, you ok?" lori questioned. "i'm fine" lynn didn't care to turn around to answer. "we can tell your angry" luna broke in, regretting her choice of words, knowing she'd react to them. "i'm not angry" lynn snapped back at her older sister. "whatever you say" the playful tone in luna's voice seemed to push a button, causing lynn's ball to go flying over the roof. she stormed inside slamming the door shut behind her. luna was going to run after her to apologize, but lori held her back. "give her a minute, i'll talk to her"
the thing with lori was that she seemed to be everyones comfort person. whenever they had problems at school, something they didn't want to tell their parents or were just feeling down, they'd always come to lori who always seemed to have the answer to everything. of course, lori didn't mind. she was the oldest after all, it was her job to take care of her younger siblings.
lori softly knocked on lucy and lynn's bedroom door. when no one answered, she poked her her inside, seeing lynn laying on her bed facing the wall.
"go away" lynn's voice was cold and making it clear that she didn't want anyone there. "lynn, i can tell there is something wrong, talk to me" lori ignored her trying to push her out and moved towards the end of bed and sat down. it was silent for a moment before lynn sat up against the wall. she knew they would fuss about it untill they got an answer, so it was a now or later situation. and maybe if she was lucky, lori would tell luna she just had a bad day so she wouldn't have to talk to her.
lynn put together sentences in her head, but none of them made any sense. why was opening up so hard? telling lori about it would also mean telling her she liked vanessa, which was even more embarrassing now.
"just forget it, it's stupid" the feeling of not finding the right words made her feel slightly angry again. "it's clear that something is bothering you, you've been off all week. and you know i won't laugh at you" thats what she hated the most about lori. she saw right through her and read her perfectly. she knew her better than lynn knew herself.
the younger loud sighed moving her eyes around the room, doing everything to not meet her older sisters gaze. she felt embarrassed, having to open up about the same thing twice in less than a week. but at the same time she knew lori wouldn't judge. the blonde gave a smile that pushed lynn to finally speak.
"so there's this person that i really liked, but i was ashamed of it so i ignored them for like a week. and i didn't even tell them why. because then i'd have to admit my feelings for them, and if i did that, they'd most likely hate me even more. so now they probably think that i used them and never actually cared, which i do and i think that is a major part of why i did it. i really hate myself for it every day, but whenever i try to apologize they won't listen and tell me that they don't care because what i did was super rude, which i totally get because i know i'd be pissed to" unlike when she spoke to luna, she didn't rush. it felt good to finally tell someone how she felt, but it also made her feel slightly guilty.
lori was silent, taking in everything she just heard. "i'm really sorry, but i have to ask. is this person vanessa?" lynn panicked, stressed out she was that easy to read. lori grabbed her hand to make her calm down. "that's actually really sweet" she had the same proud older sister smile on her lips that she had whenever lynn would win a game.
lynn bit her lip, looking at her hand that was held by loris's. "i think you need to tell her the truth" right after lori finished speaking lynn cut in. "you don't understand, i've already tried twice today, but she won't even let me finsih a sentence. i really hurt her, so it's only fair if i leave her alone" her voice was at a breaking point and her eyes were filled with tears threatening to spill.
this was why she hated talking about her feelings. because she broke down every time. when having 10 siblings, she found it easier just not to bother anyone with how she felt about things when they had their own stuff to deal with. if they were ok with something, it didn't matter that she didn't agree as long as they were happy.
"lynn.." loris's voice was just above a whisper as she pulled her younger sister into a hug. lynn had never been the biggest fan of physical contact, but without hesitation she accepted the hug, feeling a tear slip down her cheek.
"just.. give her some time. if she really is as hurt as you said, it's most likely because you mean a lot to her. she just needs some space, then if it's right, she'll come back to you" lori spoke softly. lynn let go of her sending her a smile after wiping her tears away. "it's ok to talk about your feelings, you know? you don't need to carry everything alone" loris's words made lynn want to cry again. it was like when she let one tear slip, every single one had to get out. she couldn't remember the last time she cried, that's probably why. "i'll go" she whispered again after getting no reply.
again lynn was left alone in the silence of her own room. why couldn't it be easy like the movies, where they look at each other knowing they're perfect for each other, or where they don't care what the others thought of them because they had each other. because that was what lynn was afraid of. rejection. not only from vanessa, but from her friends aswell. what if they looked at her differently if she actually admitted to liking a girl? and if vanessa's friends found out, the whole town knows.
she had to accept the fact that it couldn't be them. not in this universe. not in another universe. just never.
