Before The End

Admissions

Nazeera

It's not late at all, yet I can barely stand. I do feel somewhat bad that Kenji left early with me even though his best friend just woke up.
But then there's that greedy part of me that wanted him all to myself.

Especially today, when my mind is trying to split me apart. Numbness consumed me after melting down in Kenji's arms this morning. Made me extremely self conscious about myself. I don't do that, exhibit my emotions, instead I opt to mull over my feelings by sorting them out in my head. Figuring out the causes and knowing how to handle it alone.

But it broke through.

It's like every horrible sick feeling that I've ever experienced and hid, leaked through and crushed me in one go. It was so sudden and incomprehensible in the moment, that insecurity then came over me as a result.
I absolutely hate it. Hate myself for that.

I stagger to my door and unlock it as quickly as possible. Kenji frowns at me confused. Except I'm feeling exposed again, as I work through the thoughts that have been filling my head all day.

I hate myself. I hate my body, my head, my inability to function like a normal human.
Not always, however, the self contempt is shattering me right now after festering for hours.
I grit my teeth, rub my fingers together.

"Naz?" Kenji's voice breaks through the mental barrier trapping me.
He's on the bed beside me. The bed...I didn't realise I sat down.

Biting my lip, I turn to him. A mixture of worry and wonder on his face.
"Nazeera." He encloses our hands together, and I exhale a small breath.
I like when he says my name. He says it so gently, so sweetly as if it's something precious.

I revel his attention, savour his touch. Despite everything, Kenji always treats me with such care and affection. I don't even get why he's in love with me, but hey it's not like I'm going to fight it.

I sigh, fall back until my back hits the mattress. My legs dangle off the edge, plain white ceiling as my view.
Kenji follows, as I allow all the hurt to slowly wash over me. He doesn't speak, which I find out I want him to, distract me from myself.

I twist my neck to look at him and find he's looking at me. Ebony eyes attentive, face soft. He's waiting for me to talk I believe. That's what he does.
Kenji's compassionate, he cares.
I'm the opposite, I'm callous and cold.

For once, the stark contrast between our realities doesn't matter to me. In fact, it amuses me enough to make me laugh out loud.

Kenji's lips curve up as I quietly giggle. I don't even know why it's so funny, it's just not what I expected at all.

"Why are we laughing?" He asks, scrutinising me with his eyes. I shrug, smiling as he is.
I adore his smile. It's so warm, so endearing. It makes me feel good about myself, about everything.
Kenji causes me to believe there's true good in the world, he's the prime example of it.

When he's with me, my consciousness is at ease.
I can breathe.
It's a privilege to be with someone like him.
I incline my head onto his shoulder. He's not asking me to talk, but he's not going anywhere.

"Sometimes I feel trapped." I permit the words to tumble out before I get cold feet.
"By who I am and what I've done."

No verbal response, except that he shifts onto his side.
I go on,
"And it never stops. My thoughts. So I go quiet or do something to keep me busy."

I think that was obvious, but vocalising this feels good. I turn my head to see his reaction, which is...still.
Kenji has no reply, just a tense face.
He then drapes an arm around me, kisses me on the forehead.

I pull my lips into a thin line, wondering if I should stop.
Then again, I do want to be more open to Kenji.

"I don't like being vulnerable because I'm scared you could use it against me. Or you might not like me as much." I confess, slightly regretting it. The truths sound pathetic when I say them aloud.

"That's never going to happen." He says softly yet firmly. It's all he's said, no pushing for details or anything.

I swallow a lump in my throat. I trust Kenji, I do, it just takes some time to completely allow someone in.

Staring back up at the ceiling, I recognise how relaxed I am currently. That's probably enough confessions for tonight.
My eyes close, until Kenji speaks,
"You don't change the water temperature."

...
"I like hot showers. Do you not?"

Kenji flexes his jaw, "yeah I do. But not that hot. Your skin is literally red when you come out."

I clear my throat, don't answer.
Thinking about it forces me to actually acknowledge what I tend to do.

"Nazeera?"