Before The End

Whole

"Ugh I'm exhausted." Kenji flops onto my bed when we return.
I roll my eyes and take the half melted ice pack from him.
This was the only option I could think of. I didn't trust myself in the moment to go and cool my burns in the shower.

Kenji sits up beside me,
"So what's that for?"

"Firstly, I need to cool my skin." I stare at the pack for a second until it's snatched from my hands.

"Alright, so ice first then cream?" Kenji grabs the tub of moisturizer that I set down.

I pause, process what he's implying.
"Kenji, you don't have to. I can do this myself thanks."

And reach out to grab the ice but he lifts it and stretches his arm out where I can't get it.
"Nope. I'm doing it for you."

"I don't need any help."

"Too bad. You're getting it." He straightens and stands. Kenji gestures for me to sit further on the bed.
"I'm being serious so chop chop. Haven't got all night."

I don't move. He sighs,
"Please let me help you."

My head quickly runs over the pros and cons of that. It would hurt more to do it myself and take longer. It's pretty straightforward so it's not like Kenji can mess anything up.

I kick off my shoes and sit in the middle of the bed.
"Fine."

Kenji smiles, nods at me.
"Take off your shirt." He instructs.
I hate the unclean thoughts that intrude my head when he says that.
Wrong place, wrong time, what is wrong with me.

I do comply, and Kenji moves behind me.

Then I remember that my entire back can't be covered.
"Wait-"
Quickly I bundle up the blankets to conceal my front and take off the last piece of clothing on my chest.

I'm glad Kenji says nothing as I'm trying to not freak out that I'm topless, yet covered.
He presses the watery ice pack onto my back and I slightly wince. It stings but at the same time feels good.

"Sorry." Kenji says as he repeats the motion on the rest of my body, until my back starts to feel numb.
Slowly the sizzling dies down, along with the tension.

He gets some of the moisturiser and gently applies it to my back and sides where the skin is damaged. His hands are rough yet tender.

I exhale in relief when the prickles of pain begin to melt away. It's freezing, I feel icy all over.
But in a good way.

"Give me the bandages." I say. There's no way he's going to do that part.
Kenji hands them to me and gets up to go face the wall.

It's kind of funny, he looks like he's in a time out or something.
I didn't ask him to do that but I appreciate it.
Dropping the blankets, I rush to do the dressing.
This stupid thing is so uncomfortable but I want Kenji to be beside me again.

"Come back."
I pull my shirt back on, wait for Kenji as he spins around and beams at me.
I dislike the space between us and really want him to just hold me forever.

Kenji lays down next to me and it's like he read my mind, pulling me to him.
He lightly rubs my cheek with his thumb,
"I'm really proud of you."

That brings a smile to my face.
I turn my head to look at him as his fingers graze the features of my face.
"Why were you trying to do that again?"

Shame, regret, anger.
"I was thinking of Emmaline." I sigh. Seeing her official grave brought back the wave of grief. It hit harder.

I debate whether to mention the other part to Kenji.
He wouldn't think of me badly... I don't think so.
It's quiet for a few seconds until I open my mouth,

"I was thinking of my dad too. Of how mixed my feelings are about him." My voice is quiet.
I hated him so much but I miss him all the same.

He was a psychopath and murderer and a horrible person. I've definitely inherited some of those traits.

But damn he was my dad.
I just want to see him one more time. And not have to think about his dead body on the floor.
My eyes sting and I shut them. Force the feeling to go away. I hate crying.

I think Kenji notices as he shifts me even closer, right against his body. He continues to soothe me, brushing his lips on my forehead, unwilling to let me go.

I cherish every moment I have with Kenji.
And really hope they never end.
———————————————

When morning hits, I'm already awake.
My upper body feels stiff but annoyingly, I need to keep the gauze on for a couple more hours.
For a while I just sit there, on the bed while Kenji's still asleep.
Contemplating everything.

I recognise that I'm still grieving.
Still a malfunctioning person.
Probably will always be.
Huh.

Sighing, I look down at Kenji. He's grinning, a nice dream maybe.
A different feeling conquers my current contempt when I stare at him. A warm, delightful feeling that drowns out the noise in my head.

Sort of indescribable, primal.
Though it makes my lips curve up and my heart overload. My fingers find their way into his silky dark hair. It's like peace, but more than that.
A combination of serenity and joy. Hope and wonder.

I don't know, but I love it. I love him.
Laying back down, I cup his jaw. Place kisses all over his face before this emotion consumes me entirely.
Kenji mumbles, blinks open his eyes with a drunken smile.
"Hey."

"Hi."

He leans his forehead on mine, searches my eyes.
"Please tell me I'm not still asleep."

I shake my head and his smile is somehow wider.
A sudden small laugh bubbles out of me. He looks so annoyingly cute.

"Why are you so happy?" Kenji chuckles.
I shrug, raise an eyebrow

"I don't know. Why are you still asleep?"

He pauses, I match his empty expression with my own. Kenji huffs and kisses me, soft and sweetly.
His smile is back when we break apart.

"I can't be bribed Kishimoto, you still have to get up." I sit up, click my tongue and he groans.

"Ugh."