Before The End

Care

The bland old ceiling above has been my sight for the past hour or so. Nazeera hasn't woken up yet.

I've been rewinding every single day since we came back from Oceania in my mind. I just still can't fathom that I didn't realise sooner.

She hurts herself. I cannot think about it without arrows of despair shooting me. I can't believe she would do that to herself. She was hurting that badly and I didn't know. Guilt springs alive inside of me when I think of how many times she smiled or laughed with me.

Shit.
I drag my eyes down to Nazeera, watch as she slowly regains consciousness. She rubs her face, moves off of me and sits up.
A grin is on display when she turns to me.
It quickly drops, and a frown takes over.

"Don't look at me like that." She says with a tense face.

I wasn't making a face or anything, what does she mean?
"Like what?"

"Like you're worried I'm going to do something." Her tone is slightly off.
Propping myself up, I only watch Nazeera. I can't smile right now, not with these circumstances, but I definitely wasn't staring at her accusingly.

"Nazeera- '' I start before getting cut off.

"Look at me in the way you usually do." She sounds wounded, searches my eyes.
Her genuine sadness takes me by surprise and fills me with shame at the same time.

I'm not going to get through to her if she's upset with me, and I need her to understand.
And I absolutely never want her to be sad.

Raising both my hands up for surrender I apologise,
"I'm sorry. Forgive me, take pity on the foolish."

Her lips curve slightly up and I lean forward to kiss her, make her properly smile. Our foreheads stay touching, her bright honey eyes tell me she's no longer upset.

I speak,
"Nazeera, I am worried about you. I don't want you to be doing that to yourself. It's not going to help."

She bites her lip, stares at her fingers.
Neither of us speak. I need her to say something. I find a strand of her hair, twirl it around my fingers as the silence continues. Before I can prompt her again, Nazeera finally opens her mouth.

"You won't tell anyone right? Like seriously no one." She meets my gaze.

"Of course not." 

She takes that answer and gets up. I scramble off the bed as she makes her way to the mirror.
Blatantly avoiding this conversation.

I track each of her actions, every movement. Like the way she scans over herself and how her back straightens as she sucks in a breath.

The more time I spend with Nazeera, the more of her mask cracks in front of me.
And I love seeing the true her, despite what she believes. Of me and herself.
She is so undeniably perfect.

I wrap my arms around her, pull her back to my chest while she remains motionless.
"You're so pretty." I tell her while dropping kisses on her cheek. The stony expression she's wearing dissolves, and she sighs, sinks into me.

"I can try to stop but it's hard, Kenji." Nazeera stares at me through the glass, speaking so quietly as if she's afraid.

"That's okay. As long as you try, right?" I give her an encouraging grin, and she bites her lip.
A laugh breaks out of her.
And it's definitely my favourite thing ever.

Although I don't get what's so funny, I'm glad she finds it amusing and isn't so drained anymore.
Wait is she laughing at me?

Nazeera unlatches my arms, opens some drawers.
"What were you laughing about?" I put my hands on my hips.

She shrugs, searching the piles of clothes.
"Your optimism is cute."

I know this is a serious topic but her saying that still makes me blush. I watch her eyes fly over each fabric, choosing which to wear and paying no mind to anything.
I still didn't receive a definite answer from her so I open my mouth again

"Nazeera, I'm not-"

She shakes her head and spins to face me. Within a split second, her annoyance boils over.
"Please. I don't want to talk about it."

The barely strained anger in her voice is hard to hear.
I didn't expect her to get so ticked off that quickly. Or get that upset. I step back and nod, swallow the lump in my throat.

She studies me for a minute, bites her lip as regret crosses her face.
"I'm sorry."

I shrug, but she shakes her head and steps cautiously towards me.
"I appreciate you trying to help. And I will actually try."

"Okay. That's good." I say except she stares at me uncertainly, jaw tense. There's still a huge gap between us so I move to close it.

I squeeze her hand. "It's alright, Nazeera. I just want you to be okay."
She inspects me for a second longer before crushing me into a hug.
Immediately I'm smiling again, her effect on me is unmatched.

Our little moment is interrupted when someone knocks on the door.
"Nazeera?" Juliette calls out.

Nazeera and I both pause, look at each other. She then goes to open the door.

The door reveals a beaming Juliette with her blue eyes shining.
"Hey."
"Hi, I was-"

She stops, notices me behind Nazeera. J looks back at Nazeera and I think realises that she is still wearing my clothes from yesterday.

An "ohh" sound escapes Juliette and she winks at me then wiggles her eyebrows at my frozen girlfriend.
Oh how great.

I facepalm my forehead because now she's thinking all the wrong things.
"Did you need something princess?" I ask, trying to avert her attention.

"Oh no, I was just wondering if Nazeera wanted to come to breakfast with us." Juliette leans back a bit, I assume gesturing to Warner who's hidden behind the wall.
"Then I was going to go wake you."

"Yeah we're coming. See you and blondie there." I do a thumbs up and close the door on her confused face.
——————————————————————

Nazeera's still in the bathroom when I've already gotten changed and came back.
The irrational part of me freaks out. Makes me think she's-

I drum on the door, looking under the gap for any signs of steam. None. No sound of water running either.
I'm just being paranoid.

A moment later, Nazeera walks out, looking as beautiful as ever. She's wearing a dark red sweater that accentuates the sparkle of her light brown eyes and the gold jewelry she has on.

Absolutely gorgeous. I have no idea why she would ever think otherwise. Our hands find each other as we go to the dining tent.

"Finally, you guys are here." Juliette remarks as we take a seat. Warner simply glimpses at us and returns to his food.

"It's called being fashionably late J." I roll my eyes.