Totlandia - Book 1 / The Onesies

Chapter 8

Wednesday, 19 September

So, this is how the one percent lives, Jade thought, as she eavesdropped on two Threesies mothers. They nod. They smile. They talk about the weather.

On this balmy September in San Francisco, it was the safest subject possible, especially for the Onesies moms who were competing against each other.

Thus far, what they had to do was simple: attend the meet-ups and make as many friends as possible. Within the group, the task of providing healthy snacks was being rotated. Jade's turn was on Friday, and her stomach was already in knots over it.

Brady had laughed when he saw her proposed list. "Fruit Roll-Ups? Are you serious?"

"What's wrong with that? It's made from real fruit, right? I mean, how much shredded carrots and celery mush can those poor kids eat?"

"Jade, doll, it's loaded with sugar. Not to mention all those preservatives!"

"I lived on this stuff growing up," she said. "It didn't hurt me any."

He shook his head as he left the room.

She wondered if he'd heard her crying.

Jade's first meet-up had taken place last Wednesday. Already it seemed like a thousand years ago.

She'd done exactly what Brady had directed her to do: she had smiled benignly, and only spoke if someone asked her a question. Unfortunately, most of the questions were about Oliver. They'd asked about the little things a mother should know about her child, but Jade hadn't been around to observe Oliver herself. Each time she made up an answer, her cheeks got hot as she worried if they were on to the fact that she was a fraud.

Worse, a deadbeat mom.

Before her second meeting that Friday, Brady had given her a cheat sheet. She was proud of the fact that she hadn't needed to rely on it, because she had spent Wednesday night and all day Thursday scrutinizing everything she could about her son—how well he walked, the words he could say, what he liked to eat, the sound of his laugh, the way he pursed his lips as he fell asleep.

The way he bounced whenever Brady came into view.

She knew the feeling.

Today, even in Alta Plaza Park, the wind had taken the day off, allowing the sun to toast the air. She smiled and waved at Lorna, who was strolling Dante toward her and Oliver. Together the women made their way to the bench where the other Onesies had congregated. Jade truly liked Lorna, and not just because Brady insisted she be nice to the Connaughts. Lorna was nice to everyone, even the catty Onesies like Chakra and Kelly.

She could tell Lorna liked to talk to her, too. Not that Kelly gave them much chance to do so. She seemed to want to snuggle up close to Lorna, to talk about Bettina. Some of the questions she asked were obnoxious: Were they close? Did they hang together a lot? Did Matt get along with Bettina's husband, Art?

What a nosy bee-hatch!

Lorna certainly seemed to be on to her little game, because she was good at changing the subject.

Another reason she liked Lorna was because she answered Jade's timid questions about the club and its members honestly, without any bullshit.

Like now. As the two women strolled past the picnic table where the Foursies moms had taken over, Jade overheard one mother say to another, "Anton started solids at six months, and was potty-trained at eight months. It's a shame your little Seth was so much slower to develop. Maybe that's why, now that he's four, he's not quite grasping the concept of Pottermore. Anton is a Ravenclaw. I am so proud of him."