Life.

like what

I don't understand how people are happy all the time..
Maybe it's my fucked up mind not allowing myself to produce happiness like normal humans, but I just don't get it.
All the time I'll be with family or friends having a great time, and then it's like my mind hits a switch and I fall into an immediate depression.
I no longer want to be around people.
I just want to find a dark place to be alone.
This happens during EVER holiday.
Christmases are the worst, and don't even get me started on my birthday. My birthday (aside from the ominous death surrounding the family) for the past few years have been obnoxiously annoying. I don't want all these people around me praising my rising age by giving me gifts I will either never use or don't need.
Mom still insists that I have a birthday party every year that include the whole family.
She doesn't realize that I wake up on that unfaithful morning dreading the day already.
I think she's been using it as a distraction for the rest of the family. Granted it may help them, but it just drives me deeper and deeper into my darker state.
I didn't exactly realize that I had started changing until it was brought fully to my attention just a few weeks ago when me and my ex broke up.
I didn't realize how unstable and bitchy I had become, but I know now.
It's not like I can change myself back because I have no control over that part of my being.
Just tonight I went to watch a funny movie with my cousins and sister. The movie was great and I laughed and joked around all night, but on the car ride home my emotions plummeted. I prayed nobody would notice and just decided to hum to the music on the radio to seem as normal as possible.
It's almost like my body comes down from a high based on joy and I go through instant withdrawals that I can't resurface from until my body decides it feels like giving me a break.
Aka sleep.