You Have 86,400 Seconds To Find Me

Macy: 3:32pm (Regret and Pop-tarts)

I remember the last time I was here like it was yesterday. I remember that night I sat next to Max on the Ferris Wheel, the cool summer air pushing my hair back behind me. I remember the faint scent of popcorn and the way the soft colors of the sky blended together from pink, to orange, to blue.

I remember all of it. 

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night, unable to bring myself to rest, I think about it. I think back to the moment Max began to lean into me and how I stopped him. At the time, I didn't know that Max was everything I ever wanted. I didn't know exactly how I felt about him. Or how he felt about me. Kelly always used to say Max had a thing for me. I never really believed her. I mean, what was so special about me? Maxwell Brennan was funny, and smart. He was artistic and sweet and loyal. How could a boy like that ever have a thing for a girl like me?

After that night, Max and I went back to our usual routine like nothing ever happened. Max showed up at my house before school the next morning, just like he always had. There was no indication on his face that he was thinking about what almost happened the night before.

It was like he didn't even remember it. 

He walked right through the front door, not even bothering to knock. He didn't really need to, my house was like his second home. I remember he sat at the kitchen table and pulled a strawberry pop-tart out of his bag and handed half to me, keeping the other half for himself, just like he always did. Some mornings he brought blueberry. Other mornings he brought cinnamon.

But, he knew strawberry was my favorite. I couldn't help but feel like he brought a strawberry one on purpose, as a peace offering or something. 

"You know, if it weren't for you bringing me pop-tarts every morning, Max, I would probably starve to death," I had said, smiling at him as I took the pop-tart out of his hand. 

"Well then, I guess it's my job to keep you alive," He had said, smiling and taking a bite. His smile was wide and genuine, touching his eyes in a way that made them shine. My heart thumped inside my chest, and I lost it. The night before, Max, my best friend had tried to kiss me and I had stopped him. I had not wanted to ruin our relationship. Max was the only real friend I had. Today, all I wanted was to lean into him, catching him off guard, and feel that one hundred watt smile of his against my lips. That was the moment I first realized I made a huge mistake. Of course, every single day after that, I had the same reoccurring thought. Max would laugh and I would want to kiss him. Max would smile and I would want to kiss him. Max would act like a gentleman and help me take my coat off when we got back to my house after school and I would want to kiss him. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Mistake, mistake, mistake. God, why hadn't I just let him kiss me? Why had I pushed him away? I regretted it since the moment I had done it and now I would never know what his smile would feel like against mine. 

I had been walking around the fair for about nine hours now, since I first got to the field around 6:00am this morning. When I first got here, the fair wasn't open to the public yet. Only the employees and staff members were allowed inside the grounds. So, I had found myself a small area off to the side of field, far away from all the combustion, to sit and rest for a few hours. I had been on my feet since I busted the window of Sam's Jeep open with a baseball bat. That was about what... Five hours ago? I didn't even know anymore.  I hadn't stopped for a breather since I first left my house the day before. I had been awake for over twenty-four hours. I hadn't slept, I had barely eaten anything. The last time I ate actual food was when I went to visit Sam at Howard's Drive-In. Hell, I might die from starvation alone, forget committing suicide. 

If only Max were here to split his pop-tart with me, I thought, Max's face popping into my mind and only sending me further into turmoil. Could I not go a whole minute without thinking of Maxwell Brennan?

Of course, you can't, my subconscious said, as if she hadn't harassed me enough already. You're going to kill yourself and you haven't even told Max goodbye. You haven't even told him you love him. 

And? I retorted back. Unable to put up more of a fight due to my exhaustion. 

I'm just saying. You know Max deserves a goodbye. My subconscious replied, before disappearing back into the black abyss that is my brain, and leaving me alone with my fatigue. 

I know she's right. Max does deserve a goodbye. No, he deserves more than that. He deserves one hell of a goodbye complete with every thought I had ever held back from him. He deserves to hear how smart and funny he is. He deserves to hear how his smile makes my knees go all tingly. He deserves to hear how much I regretted not kissing him last September and more than anything, he deserves to hear how I've fallen completely and helplessly in love with him. He deserves to know that he is... was the best part of my existence. 

But, I couldn't tell him that now. It was too late. I had just gotten back to my small patch of trees, outside the combustion lines, after going to the center of the fair for some food and a blue ICEE. My very last indulgence. In less than four hours I was committing suicide, and unless Max could perform a miracle, no one was going to stop me.