You Don't Know What You Have Until You (Almost) Lose It

Me, Too

*Dan's POV*

'I find you attractive.' Dan, you're a fucking idiot. You've freaked him out. As if you need your life to get even more awkward.

I think to myself as I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling. Yesterday had been emotional. Seeing Phil so hurt and distressed had me broken-hearted almost to the point of physical pain. What made it worse: I was responsible. All because of my stupid comment. I could barely handle it. I just wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay. I wanted to be there for him. But no. All I say is fucking, "I find you attractive." I sigh quietly and grab my phone as I sit up.

Okay, Dan. You're going to go out there and not act like a complete idiot. Phil can't know. Your relationship with him is completely platonic. You need to keep these feelings to yourself.

I don't want to keep my feelings hidden anymore. I just want to be with Phil, unafraid of the consequences. I'm done hiding. I want to be happy.

I shake my head to rid it of the stupid thoughts taking over my brain. I stand and head to the kitchen, where Phil is pouring cereal.

"I bought some more Shreddies before you woke up," he says with a smile, glancing up at me for a split second. He slides the bowl, which was obviously meant for him, to me and pours another for himself.

"Thanks, Phil. More American Horror Story?" I ask as I sit down in the lounge.

"We're all caught up, though. . ."

"Let's watch the first episode and laugh at how simple things were."

Phil walks into the lounge. "Okay." I can see the tension in his bright blue eyes.

I need to get rid of this awkwardness. We live together for God's sake. I turn on the TV and select the very first episode of this season of American Horror Story. Phil takes a seat, not too far from myself.

About ten minutes into the episode, it happens.

Phil puts his bowl onto the floor and sits back up. I look at him, then glance at his hand, and back at the TV. I can't help but notice his hand is perfectly place on the sofa. So easy to take into my own.

Dan. DAN. Don't you even think about it.

I'm sure as hell thinking about it.

Remember? You made a deal with yourself!

Nope. I don't remember a deal.

He's your flatmate, for Christ's sake!

Every logical part of my brain is screaming NO! But I guess logic loses when it comes to going for what you want. I take a deep breath. I can't build up the confidence. I can't do it. I don't even know if Phil feels the same way I do.

I see Phil look at me out of the corner of my eye. I look at him, too. He smiles, looking almost confused, but he doesn't say anything as he looks back at the TV. That look. He was practically begging me to do it. Or maybe my head was just so crowded with wanting Phil that it looked that way to me.

God, Dan, just do it! Are you a wuss? IS YOU A WUSS?

Well, I do something. But I don't grab his hand. I jump up, straddling him, grab the collar of his shirt, and put my lips on his, pulling his body closer to my own.

The kiss hits me like a jolt of electricity. I feel so alive. My brain turns to fuzz, focusing on nothing except for what was right in front of me. I start to get lost in the moment, then I realize:

Shit, Dan. You are actually kissing Phil. Your lips are on the lips of Phil Lester.

I open my eyes and lean back with a deadpan look, afraid of Phil's reaction.

He's blushing.

The awkwardness of getting off of Phil's lap was beyond measure.

We sit in silence, waiting for the other to speak.

"Well," I start, "that happened." That was such a fuckin lame thing to say wtf, Dan.

"I'm glad it did," Phil said, pulling me into a hug.

For a second, I tense up, shocked. Then I loosen my muscles and wrap my arms around Phil's slightly smaller frame.

"Me, too," I sigh into his shoulder. "Me, too."