Dear Elliot, (Wattys 2015)

Chapter 3: Her Journal

I end up waiting to see her put in the ground, crying the entire time. I am just thanking every god anyone has ever believed in that Jackson isn't here. He would tell me to man up and stop crying etc. I stop Bradley on his way out

"I'm sorry," He blurts out before I get a word in. "She never told me..I thought she was going hunting-" 

"She's never shot an animal in her life! But, putting that aside, I don't think she would want me to blame you. She wouldn't want us to lose each other." He has a far off look in his eyes, he's thinking, "Okay?" I ask, mostly so he would respond. 

"You're right, we can't lose each other," He responds, and leaves quickly for his car. That was suspicious, but its probably grief  I think as I start the walk home. Bradley pulls up beside me. "Need a ride?" He asks, cheerfully. I shake my head

"Risa used to walk with me, you too until you got that car," I half-smile, "I want to again, at least today." He nods his head, probably remembering too, and drives off. I get home, "Hello?" I call out, hopefully to my mom. No one answers. I see her purse, which is odd.She never leaves without it. Okay, now I would be glad if Jackson responded. "Hello?" I call again. I decide that I will go to my room and read her journal. Mom probably went across the street to greet Mrs.Livian. 

I get to my room, sit on the bed, and open her journal. 

Dear Elliot,

Okay, she planned this. This was meant for me. How long had she felt this way without me knowing? How did I not know?

If you are reading this, you either found it, or I'm dead. I hope its the latter. 

I swallow hard at the last line, she hoped she was dead? How could anyone's life be that bad? How could I have let it get that bad? I wished I had helped her.

First things first: Don't blame yourself. My death was not your fault. I hid it from you, I hid feelings from you. Continue reading at your own risk, the rest of the book contains things you don't know. Things you are probably not prepared to know, but I know you will keep reading. I know you better than you think.

I turn the page, and notice my hands are trembling. What hasn't she been telling me?

I have known. Since we were eight, I have known. I'm sure you know what I am talking about.

I do. She knows about Jackson's erratic and abusive tendencies. I keep reading to be sure.

I would stop him if I could, Jackson hitting you? I would stop it. I could stop it. I'm sorry I didn't. It's always flown over Bradley's head, and he is influential so it flew over teacher's and parent's heads. But I knew, and I'm sorry.

I remember when we met, Mom calling Rory and me to the door, telling us we had a new friend. We practically ran over each other on our way. We went to Bradley's house. Everyone clicked and we were instantly friends. I wish I could go back to when we didn't have anything to worry about and could just stay friends, the 4 of us, forever. But there are things that cannot be. And there are storms we cannot weather. My life was one of them

I don't know what to do or say. I think I heard something in the kitchen. 

"Mom?" I get up, leave her journal on my bed, and go down the hallway to the kitchen. A raccoon broke in through the open window. I chase it outside. Mom still isn't home. I'm gonna give her another 30 minutes then get Mrs.Livian, I decide.