My Thoughts

anxiety: incident 1

hey, i know that its been a long time since i've updated. it's because i've very busy and stressed out all the time now since the years get hectic and i have less hours of sleep now. even right now i really can't seem to sleep when i have a lot on my mind, so its kind of obvious why i'm updating. and my friend is starting to change bc of this boy who is trouble, yet she doesn't know that her changing is ruining our friendship with me and my other friend. so life's fine.

so, onto the main reason why i'm explaining what happened today at school. now i've talked about my anxiety issues in the previous chapters and my math class is one of the main things that triggers my anxiety.

okay so firstly, i'm going to put the reasons why it triggers it, so it'll make sense when i explain it. so, first of all, my math class is an accelerated class, which means we're the only two 8th grade class in our school that are excellent at math and we have to act intelligent ofc. secondly, our classes are literally full, it's seriously packed probably about 28 students i think almost 30 something. third of all, there's mostly popular people in that class and mostly in my class and most of them i think is smarter than me. lastly reflecting to the third one, they really don't care about me and ignore me.

on to the incident, basically i was having a bad day bc a lot of my routines and duties are starting to get more difficult than usual, my stupid science teacher sucks bc he can't fucking accept a half sheet of paper and he made me waste it, um the last one was that my mind was not at a very good condition, i was thinking of death, failure, and panic/anxiety this topic is something i should tell someone about, but i'll tell that another time. plus the student teacher for our class was giving out our post test we took the last time we met and i had a tiny panic attack when i saw my score. it was 73% and i'm such a fucking idiot. this is one of the reasons why i think i'm not smart or i'm not good enough. then we were going over the extra credit bc a lot of people were confused i guess, but i wasn't listening, i was too preoccupied on my test, seeing where i failed, and starting to panic more. they were explaining what method to use and how we do it, so she started calling people, but they didn't answer bc they didnt know. she asked the new people, but when she called to me, i panicked and i just couldn't speak, i was so scared and panicky over everything that i literally could not answer. i knew the answer to the problem of linear combination, it's just i couldn't say it bc of my anxiety, you know? and the worst part that made my anxiety rise higher was that everyone, all 30 students were looking at me, judging me, probably saying, " wow she's stupid, i thought she was smart! wasn't she here since 6th grade?" and the thought of that made me cry, but i tried not to, but a little came out and no one noticed. and so the rest of the period i stayed silent, faked a smile, and felt out of place. i hate how my anxiety works, i thought to myself, why am i still doing, living here on this cruel world that i don't belong to. i can just end it all here and nothing would change at all.