My Thoughts

anxiety

Hey, I know I haven't been updating lately, I mean it's been probably 4 months since I've put my thoughts here. Plus I usually update on my phone, but it kind of broke. It was shitty anyways. So, lets get on to it shall we? (idk I'm feeling weird today)

So, I really don't know what's happening to me. I don't know if I apparently have what some people say 'social anxiety'. I mean, yeah I have a lot of friends have great moments and etc. but i get really panic-y over the same and a lot of things like it's hard to cool it down when this happens. Basically for example, when I always have to go infront of a crowd like a presentation, I always shake really bad also my voice does to. Then I start feeling slightly dizzy, and it feels like I'm about to faint. But when people see me up there, they think I'm perfectly fine, but when you're up here with me, you can literally see the fear in my eyes. So, this started I think back in 5th grade and I don't know what triggered in me, I literally felt like as if something was weighing me down, I literally felt as if I was going to fucking die. It was a horrible day. I only found out about this feeling a few months ago. I ignored this for a while because I always thought that it was because I was shy, but anxiety also deals with shy people too, but yet I'm not that shy. I was thinking of these thoughts at like around 1 in the morning, I literally could not sleep at all. Every night I would always think of all the things I would fail at or like simplest things, and I would have this mini panic in me and whenever it starts, it never stops. I can only stop when there's something calming me down or a quiet place. I haven't told anyone about this, because I really don't know what to do, I always had these thoughts that I would tell someone about this problem. Everyday I always say to myself that I would tell my mom in private, but she always has problems, lots of them in her life, plus she's always happy, and that's the thing that stopping me from telling her. I don't to ruin her day, I love my mom obviously and I don't want to change that. I don't have anyone else to tell my problem, because my mom is literally the closest person I can speak to, like my bestfriend. So, this is my 'express my thoughts' site I can put on. Either that or I'll just continue bottling it up. But, the worst one I had was when I had this trip thing, and apparently, I was the only one in my family who they forgot about, so when I woke up, literally everyone was gone. I got up and searched the whole house, and I couldnt breathe like I'm not kidding. I was on the verge of tears, until my mom was calling out for me, and I quickly pulled my shit together, and played it off, but she kind of notice I wasn't breathing right so she's kind of unsure what's wrong with me. So, I'm still not sure if this is normal or really a mental situation.

Goodbye have a great day guys! :)
- Casassy