pills ✧ tronnor

six

[warning: some content may be triggering]

After my talk with Connor, I couldn't help but feel extremely guilty for how cold I'd been with him the previous day. I knew he hadn't been doing anything wrong and that he'd simply been trying to welcome me, but I'd pushed him away and acted rudely towards him purely because things hadn't gone my way. If I hadn't attempted suicide in the first place, or if it had actually been successful, I wouldn't be in my current position having to put up with people like him. Everything before waking up in the hospital bed after attempting to take my own life was a distant, blurry memory, almost like I'd woken up in a brand new life yet still in the same body. It was strange how little I could remember, but I guess that was a good thing. Maybe it'd help me to get better easier. I could remember why I'd attempted to take my own life - unfortunately that wasn't a distant, blurry memory like I wished it could be - but everything else was. I could hardly remember what my house looked like.

"Hey," I looked up to find Connor stood in the doorway. "Wanna come for a walk? You looked kinda lonely and I guess some fresh air could do us both some good."

Although the temptation to reject the offer was strong, I convinced myself that trying to push Connor away even further would most likely end up unsuccessful. So, hesitantly, I nodded. "Sure, sounds good."

I stood up and walked alongside Connor, neither of us saying anything. I still couldn't get the image of him from the previous night out of my head, and I longed to know what he'd been up to. However, it didn't feel like the right time to be asking any of those sorts of questions.

"Where are we going?" I asked, eventually breaking the silence that had been held between us.

Connor glanced across at me and smirked. "You'll see."

We continued walking in silence, walking down corridor after corridor until we reached a dead end. I raised an eyebrow in confusion and looked across at Connor, who was looking around us cautiously.

"Wow, this is thrilling Connor, I'm so gla-"

"Shh." he cut me off, continuing to scan the corridors around us before stepping forward. "They don't know that I know about this place."

I watched as he fiddled with a lock on a metal door to the side of us, slowly pulling it open once it clicked unlocked. Behind the door was a stairway leading upwards in virtual blackness, and I was instantly wary. Where was he taking me? Connor stepped back and gestured for me to go first. "After you, Troye boy."

I shook my head at the use of the nickname he seemed to have assigned to me and cautiously began walking up the stairs. I heard the door click shut behind me, and then I was in complete darkness. I heard footsteps behind me which instantly put me more at ease since it proved Connor had actually followed me and not locked me in some dark chamber that nobody knew about. As I continued to climb the stairs, I saw light above me.

"What is this?" I asked, slowing down slightly.

I heard Connor stop directly behind me. "Just keep going, you're almost there." Following his command, I carried on up the stairs until natural light hit my face. When Connor and I emerged from the stairway, we found ourselves on the roof of the hospital, overlooking the city around us for miles and miles.

Wary of getting too close to the edge and losing my balance, I kept close proximity to the stairs as I took in my surroundings. It was truly beautiful, yet I couldn't help but notice how incredibly high up we were. When I looked across at Connor, his eyes were closed and a small smile tugged at his lips as the gentle breeze tousled his hair. It was quite calming being out in the open, rather than shut away in a box room with nothing to do and no one - besides Connor or Rosa - to talk to.

"Why did you bring me up here?" I asked. Connor's eyes flickered open at the sound of my voice and he looked across at me, his green eyes piercing into my blue.

"I like it up here - it's calm and it makes me happy. It's where I feel most at peace with the world. I figured you might like it too."

I felt the corners of my lips twitch upwards into a small smile. "Do you bring everyone up here?"

Connor shook his head and he looked to the floor. "I've only ever brought one person up here. Their name was Sam. They'd been here for five months and I was in my third week of admission. A week later, he was found dead. He'd jumped from just over there," he explained, pointing to the corner of the roof furthest away from where he was stood. "And I had to lie and tell them I didn't know how he'd got up here. They still don't know that I know how to get up here. You're the second, and only other person I've brought up here. I just hope it's not a bad idea."

I shook my head. "That's awful, I'm sorry."

Connor shrugged. "Life goes on, I guess. People die everyday. It's only the most tragic of deaths that are truly acknowledged. It sounds bad but it's true."

I looked to the floor. "Do you come up here often?"

"No, only on the rare occasion. If they see me sneaking off too much without explanation they'll know something's up and they'd probably follow me up here."

"What would happen if they found out you were up here?" I asked.

Connor sighed. "I don't know. But I know they'd definitely get this entrance blocked off permanently, and I don't know any other routes to get up here. I couldn't bear for them to block it off, I feel safest up here, away from everyone and everything else."

Another silence fell between us. Connor suddenly seemed so vulnerable, like a young child hen they lose their mother in the grocery store. Except Connor was not a young child looking for his mother in the grocery store. He was here for a reason involving a severe issue with his mental health; as was I. The only thing either of us wanted was pure, consistent happiness and serenity. It just seemed so out of reach in a place like this.

"How come you're here, Troye?" Connor asked. When I looked at him, he seemed genuinely intrigued. I figured I couldn't just brush the question off by changing the subject, as Connor would surely find a way to worm his original question back into the conversation.

"I attempted suicide." I responded, looking at the cloudy grey sky above us.

"Why?"

"I felt inferior and unimportant."

"How'd you mean?"

I closed my eyes and sighed; there was no way I was getting out of this conversation now. "Sometimes, I just feel numb to the world around me. And I quite often feel like I have no real purpose in the world, like I just exist and get in the way of everyone else who has plans for their lives and they know why they're here and they're happy. And I wonder why I'm not the same as them. Why I don't have plans for my future, why I don't feel any sort of emotion, why I seem so inferior to them since they all seem to have such greater lives than me. I hate feeling unimportant. I spend every day feeling like I have no reason to be here and that I'm simply a burden in other people's lives who's standing in the way of them achieving their full potential in whatever it is that they want to do in their lives. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling that way so I felt like it'd be easier to just end my life."

Before I could say anything else, Connor was stood in front of me with his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a tight hug. After a brief hesitation, I slid my arms around his torso and returned the embrace, seeing it as the right thing to do in the situation.

"You are important, Troye. You have more than enough reasons to be on this planet, just like everyone else." he stepped back and looked me in the eyes. "If only you could see the potential in yourself that I see in you."

a/n: this chapter's more of a filler, mainly because i wanted a cute tronnor moment but also because i didn't want the story to become too repetitive with the everyday procedures that would be carried out, so i hope this is suitable enough to keep you happy !!

read a book, eat an ice lolly, go for a walk, blast your favourite band at full volume, binge-watch disney movies it's all free and it'll make you happy i promise stay strong ily