pills ✧ tronnor

sixteen

double update to say thank you for 1000 reads !!

After Connor's death, my admission was extended by another four weeks. Had it been due to any other circumstances, I'd have hated it. I'd have protested and argued and thrown tantrums like a five year old knowing I'd have to stay there for longer than was originally necessary. However, these circumstances were more extreme. For the first time since I was originally admitted, I didn't care about how long I was there for. I didn't care that I was there in general. I was too numb and too empty to care.

I couldn't feel anything. Even days after the incident, I was numb. In fact, I was beginning to believe I was growing number by the day, rather than gradually being able to feel again. I wished I could blame the medication for making me feel strange, but I knew it wasn't. There was no point trying to convince myself otherwise. Connor had been the only person in the world that I truly cared about; the one person I would've jumped in front of a bullet for. I never even got the chance to tell him that I loved him too. Now, he would never know.

I hated myself for not being able to find the words to convince him to step down, to walk into my arms and cry while I held him and told him that everything would be okay. Instead, I'd stood there, unsure of what to say and only crying while he said his last goodbye. I realised how much I'd taken him for granted, and how I was stupid enough to believe that we could've possibly had a future together. If he really did love me, why the hell did he leave me so suddenly? I blamed myself for what happened. I should've recognised the fact that something was wrong and I should've been there for him when he needed me, and I wasn't. I was too caught up in counting down the days until I could get out, rather than wishing they'd slow down so I could focus all my time on Connor.

And now, there was nothing I could do to change what had happened - he was gone.

The last time I saw him, he was falling backwards off a high building. The image kept replaying in my head, giving me nightmares and causing me to wake up in a cold sweat. Sometimes, it felt so real. Like I was back on top of the roof, pleading for him to step down. It always ended the same, though. I always lost. I hated myself for being so incapable. If only I'd actually been able to speak to him rather than freezing up, maybe I could've saved him and everything would've been okay. But now, all I could do was regret my actions and grieve.

Regardless of what Connor had said - about not grieving and not being upset - I couldn't just ignore it and move on. Every single day, I talked to the ceiling in the hopes that he would hear me. The door to the roof had been fully sealed, so there was no way I could get up there. The more I thought about it, I was glad it was closed off. Going up there would be too much of a reminder of what happened.

Every night, I cried myself to sleep.

Having once had Connor curled up beside me in my bed every night, to suddenly be pulling the duvet tighter around myself in order to stop myself from freezing was a true reality hit. There were some nights where I'd hope Connor would walk through my door laughing and tell me that it was all just a really well planned joke, and then he'd kiss me goodnight and cuddle me to sleep. I knew I was just being unrealistic, though. He really was gone and as much as I wished I could, I would never be able to bring him back.

After Connor had allowed himself to fall, Rosa and another woman called Terri had pulled me away from the edge before Connor made impact with the ground. I'd been in such a state that seeing Connor hit the ground would've shattered my heart into billions of tiny fragments, and I knew it would've been an image I'd never get out of my head. Luckily Rosa and Terri had been there, holding onto me tightly while I screamed and cried. That night, I hadn't slept. I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes because I knew what I'd see, and it was the last thing I wanted to relive. I kept trying to take my mind off it by thinking of the happier moments we'd shared together, but it made no difference. They all reminded me that he was gone, and that we'd never have more happy memories like the ones we'd already made.

There were so many things I wished I'd said to him; so many opportunities I'd had to tell him I loved him, to sneak him a kiss before we separated to our own rooms; to hold him tight and promise him that I would never let anyone hurt him; but I'd taken them all for granted and presumed there'd be other times that I'd be able to do them. All those missed opportunities would never give me second chances. I didn't deserve them. Because now, Connor was gone. And I had nothing left.

[a/n: i'm sorry it's short but it's just a filler !!]