pills ✧ tronnor

nine

The following morning, I was woken up by a Rosa who was stood in the doorway, waiting for me to wake up in order to take my first dose of medication for the day. I took it without hesitance, wanting to get the procedure over with as quickly as possible - it was such a bore. After she'd walked me to the bathroom to allow me to freshen up and put on a fresh change of clothes, I was given free roam of the ward until lunch. Therefore, it gave me three hours until twelve-thirty, when I'd have to go and join the other patients for half an hour whilst we ate lunch in eachother's company.

The first place I needed to was the main area - otherwise known as the recreation room - where three other patients were sat silently doing their own thing. One girl, who's named I had learned was Priscilla, was sat cross-legged on the floor next to the bookcase reading a paperback with great interest. I'd also learned that she was sixteen, suffering from OCD and severe anxiety. I felt for her, since she was a genuinely lovely person - as was everyone else in the ward. It was just a shame we'd had to meet eachother through such unfortunate circumstances. The table I'd say at on my first day of admission was once again empty, and I plopped down into the chair. I picked up a random pen and began writing on a sheet of lined paper, words coming to my mind freely as I continued to write. Even when I was in school, the one thing I'd always been complimented and praised on was my ability to write; whether it was poetry, music or basic creative writing, everyone had loved it.

In the crowd, alone.
And every second passing reminds me I'm not home.

I paused, thinking of how the next lines could go. I wasn't entirely sure whether I would turn this piece of writing into a poem or a song, yet I was sure I'd decide as I went along. Once I was happy with the first verse, I began on the chorus.

Tight skin, bodyguards,
Gucci down the boulevard,
Cocaine, dollar bills and,
My happy little pill;
Take me away,
Dry my eyes,
Bring colour to my skies;
My sweet little pill,
Take my hunger,
Light within,
Numb my skin.

The more I used inspiration from what was around me, the easier the lyrics came to my mind. Once I'd decided that it was more suitable for a song rather than a poem, I'd begun to hum a tune to go along with it as I wrote, trying to think of words that rhymed here and there and seeing what lines complimented others. However, the more I sat at the table, the more I was reminded of how cold I'd been towards Connor when I'd first met him, and how genuinely hurt he'd seemed when I snapped. Not wanting to continue being reminded of the thought, I abruptly stood up and walked away, folding the sheet of paper with my lyrics into eight and stuffing it into the back pocket of my jeans.

For a while, I aimlessly wandered the corridors of the ward, growing only more surprised at how big it actually was. The majority of the doors that lined the corridors were shut and locked to my dismay, meaning that I was unable to go exploring and find new things. Therefore, I had to stick with what was around me - plain and simple. After I'd been walking for a while, my eyes landed on a window that was nearly the height of the entire wall, overlooking the city below it. Slowly, I walked over and peered out, feeling instantly relaxed as I watched the people below going about their everyday lives without a care in the world, completely unaware of my whereabouts and how alone I truly felt. I wondered if any of my family were wandering the streets at that very second, looking up at the hospital and wondering how I was coping. If only I could tell them how much I wanted to come home.

"Don't worry, I get jealous too." I was snapped out of my trance as Connor appeared next to me, gazing out of the window just like I'd been doing.

"Where the hell did you come from?" I asked, still in a slight daze. "And how did you know I was here?"

Connor shrugged, continuing to look out of the window. "I followed you. You looked a little down so I just wanted to make sure you weren't planning on doing anything stupid."

I took another glance at him before looking out of the window once again. "Nope, you haven't got to worry about that. I was just bored; wanted to explore some more of this place I guess."

"There's not much to it, really. Not for us anyway. I swear the only doors that are actually unlocked in this place are our rooms, and that's only because there's no doors there to lock in the first place. It sucks." Connor eventually looked away from the window and turned his attention to me. "It never used to be that way."

"How come?" This time, I was the one to continue staring out of the window while the other spoke.

"They used to keep the doors unlocked unless it was vital we didn't go somewhere. A girl who used to be here when I first got admitted managed to get hold of a sharp object from one of the offices, and I'm sure you can guess what happened."

"She cut herself?" I guessed.

Connor nodded. "Bad. She died in her room from blood loss because no one found her until the morning. It was a shame, she was lovely."

"It's so shit." I muttered. "Everyone in here is so nice, I just hate that we've had to meet through such bad circumstances."

Connor gave me a half smile and gently nudged my shoulder. "Think about it though. If we crossed in the street, would you even take a second glance at me? Or would I take a second look at you? Would it go through either of our minds to turn back and get to know eachother?"

After a moment of silence, I slowly shook my head. "I guess not."

"Exactly," Connor smiled guiltily. "So maybe, in some ways, this could be a good thing. Because whether you feel the same way or not, I'm pretty glad I met you."

"Even though I was a dick to you at first?" I laughed in disbelief.

"You were a dick, I'm glad you'll admit that." Connor teased. "But you're not a bad person, Troye. You care."

I turned to look out of the window once again. "It's so weird knowing the people down on the street are just going about their daily lives without even stopping to consider what the people around them are doing. Like they're so engrossed in what's going on on social media or texting their boyfriend or girlfriend that they aren't even looking up and taking in what's really around them." I sighed. "Wow, I guess I really took things for granted before."

Connor nodded slowly. "If there's one thing I've learned since being here, it's to never take life too seriously and to always pay attention to what's around you. You never know what you're missing if you never look up from your phone screen."

"I can't wait to get out of here." I mumbled and looked to the floor.

"I know it sucks." Connor paused, causing a brief silence. "I don't know about you, Troye boy, but you wanna know the way I see it?" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him hold out a hand. "It's just me and you against the world."

I looked at him and smiled, before looking back down to his hand that was outstretched towards mine. As I took it, I tried not to make it obvious that I'd noticed the deep red lines scattered over his forearm.