The following days he didn't call me often. We nearly talked on whatsapp and when I sent something, he responded curtly. I began to fell so bad. Everytime he finished the conversation with "I'm sorry I'm so busy" But how long does it take to send a simple short "I love you, I miss you" message? You know that I can exaggerate really fast, but that's just something that happens to me when I feel like that. So that's what happened. I felt like he was just forgetting me and didn't care about me anymore. When I was working I forgot about it a bit, but it always came back in my mind and made me feel bad. And when I came back home I could only think about that. I wrote letters, not to him, not to anyone, but just so I could explain it for myself. This is one of the letters:
"You made me feel like my life was complete, I wasn't missing Damian as horrible as first. You made me feel real happiness again. But now I miss you and it feels the same. Maybe it's because you're the first boy who is ever really interested in me. I had a boyfriend when I was like 14-16 but that was not real. We didn't even went to each other's house. He broke up because I didn't want to have sex. And no, you didn't force me, I really wanted it because you are different and I love you extremely much. But I was scared before and I'm scared again. I hate this feeling and I don't want to blame you or make you feel bad, but this is just how it is now. Maybe I'm just not ready to be in your life. You have a perfect life but it's so different for me and I think I'm not ready to be a part of it. I can't handle it now already. I love you so much and I just want to be with you, I hate it to miss you" I crumpled them all, but thought it would be good to keep them somewhere. I put them in one of my drawers. So I was home from work and it was 2 days before my birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about missing him on that day... I looked through my pictures and saw the pictures of that day in LA when we went to an amusement park. The selfies in the roller coaster and in the taxi. I was smiling when scrolling through these pics where we looked so happy and fresh. It felt weird to me that that was only a few weeks ago. I looked at 'last seen' on whatsapp and saw he's been online a few minutes ago but didn't send me anything. I went down for dinner and Mom and Dad were sneaky talking about something again. I don't like secrets so I had to know what they were talking about! They saw me coming and they stopped talking. They looked at me like they weren't talking anyways but I knew better. I rolled my eyes.
"Ugh, you know I hate secrets and I'm not a kid anymore so just tell me"
"There's no secret. We were just talking about going out for dinner on your birthday and taking Mariah with us."
I wondered why they had thought of Mariah for this dinner but it cheered me up.
"Yeah! Yes, I would love to go out for dinner with you and Mariah!" They smiled. "Cool, so that's a deal!" Dad said.
I smiled and hugged them. I love going out for dinner but we don't go really often. I helped cover the table and when dinner was ready we sat down with the three of us. We told each other about our day and I told them it was again not busy in the store today. My parents told me everything will be fine but I just have to be patient. After dinner we watched a movie together, it was a cute movie which I've seen with Zac. And it was like Zac could read my minds cause he suddenly called me. My heart beated and I had a smile on my face.
"Hii baby" He started the conversation.
"Hii babe! How are you? Everything going well?"
"I'm good. Everything's going fine. What about you?"
"I'm fine, just worked the day. Watching a movie with my parents now"
Of course I was lying, I was not really fine but because of last time I didn't want to say that I missed him so much.
"That's good to hear baby, I really miss you"
~He finally said it first!~
I had a huge smile. "Aww baby, I miss you so much too!"
"It's almost your birthday" He said.
"Yeah I know, going out for dinner with my parents and Mariah that night."
"Sounds good, where are you going?"
"To the Greek"
"Hmm delicious, wish I could be there"
I knew there was a big chance he wasn't coming, but I still hoped for it.
"You can't come?"
Silence. After a while he sighed.
"I really tried hard to just get away from here for one day to be there but they don't let me, I'm so sorry Em..."
"It's okay" I lied. My smile was gone eventhough I was happy he took the time to talk to me today. "Hmm, I know you're lying"
I didn't know what to reply so this is what I said.
"You know me too well"
There was a silence again, but I could hear him breathing. I miss it so much to just lie with him breathing in my ear. I got lost in thoughts but suddenly I heard
"Em?"
"Yeah, sorry"
"Baby, I think I need to go again. I love you and I call you on your birthday, kay?"
"That's good. I love you too sweetie. Good luck with shooting and stuff."
"Thankyou cutie"
"Bye"
"Bye"
He hung up. I was glad it was a real conversation this time, sad that it was now official he won't be here on my birthday...
