it's crazy how one moment has a completely different outcome then the next. how one second can leave with you a feeling of complete and utter joy, and the next a feeling of confusion and pain. and that's what it was like. staring at him.
5:00 am. tear crusted eyes. red, flushed cheeks. a runny nose.
he still stood there in the doorway, staring back at me with a look of complete vulnerability. his hands shaking as i finally hooked an arm around his back and pulled him inside. more tears. wet puddles on the floor from the slowing drizzle of rain. his head in the gap between my shoulder and neck.
what had moments before been the feeling of swollen lips and messy hair and warm fuzzy feelings, had been replaced with hell. and hell at its finest.
"what if she's dead, ken, what if she-"
"hey, hey. it's okay. your mom is fine. she's just fine."i smoothed back his hair as another round of tears slowly started to leak out of his eyes. but i was lying. and i felt the guilt of it with every shaky breath luke took.
5:34 am. it had been a car accident. no complete details other then what luke had attempted to explain to me with his voice a strangled cough. he was going to leave. he had to leave. i was going to be alone again. alone with the fact that i was inches away from having him. his love and his affection. his heart. and it was all gone. all because a lonely BMW needed a martini run.
"i should go back. i need to...i need to go back and start packing. my flight is in two hours. kennedy this is really bad. this is so bad. what if my mom..."he trailed off, pressing his palms to his eyes to keep from crying again. there was bags under his eyes, and his sweatshirt was wrinkled from tugging at the bottom. i should tell him to go, tell him to leave everything and go find out if his mom was okay. i should tell him that his cologne drives me crazy and those big blue eyes hypnotize me into feeling i could take a bus to india and attend a monkey circus or run a 26k marathon and i love the way he raises his eyebrows at me when im trying to be funny and the way his kisses feel on my skin and how the moment i saw him i thought he was a douchebag jackass bunnyshit twat but that i loved him, i do love him. but i stayed quiet. watched my feelings drown. i knew i hadn't changed.
7:45 am. watched the rain pour out of the moss covered window inside of luke's apartment. heard him gulp as he dry swallowed the tiny pills to make his nausea go away. to make his world numb. everything was numb. he pulled open drawer after drawer hastily, snatching things and shoving the piles into a suitcase on the bed. he caught my eye for one moment, and i swear i saw him look at me like he could have loved me. like he did love me. and maybe he did. but his eyes quickly flitted away, made themselves occupied with another casualty. it was a wonder how calm he was, how sexy he looked when he was on the verge of a breakdown. jaw tensing whenever he received text message after text message, each one a little more draining then the next. and i watched him, taking in everything i knew i would never see again. storing each memory into my head to remind me that luke hemmings was real and alive and i had met him and he had met me and we were there and he was there and he still glanced at me every once in a while. waiting for me to meet his gaze. but i didn't. i couldn't. i had no choice.
9:03 am. he kissed me once, and then twice, and then he kissed me until i couldn't feel anything. and then he kissed me some more. his hands moved to my hips, fingers straining to reach the small of my back. like he wanted to know every inch of me was there. like he wanted to hold me forever and not let me go. and he would let go.
"so this thing that's going on. this thing that involves me plus you plus a lot of sexual tension,"i smirked,"do i count on this? can i count on this?"
"you can count how many miles there will be between me and you. atleast while im gone. and you can count how many hours it takes to find my family in Sydney. you can count how many years of jail this drunk asshole is gonna serve in prison for wrecking my mom. and you can count how many inches Michael's is."he shrugged and put his thumb under my eye to wipe away a nervous tear. "but what you can't count, is how long i will love you kennedy foster. because if im educated properly, you cant count forever."luke smiled then, a soft smile. a smile that said he was uncertain of a lot of things. too many things. but he was certain of me. and he was certain that i was his. and he pushed his glasses up his nose. ones i had never seen him wear, but they made him seem more real. i liked his flaws, and his imperfections. my flawed boy. mine.
9:56 am. watched him leave. black suitcase, supported by a roll of ducktape, dragging behind him. saw a text from ashton asking where i was and how i was and where is luke he can't find him in the airport. but i ignored it. i ignored the fat tears rolling down my flushed cheeks, wiping them away with the sleeve of luke's sweatshirt that he had let me borrow a few weeks before. i had already started to miss his sweaty messy hair tangled hair after a gig and his warm hands holding my small ones and his soft bottom lip and the way he always knew where to kiss me and how good his hugs felt after a horrible day and his husky voice when i wake him up to skype at 3am and the smell of the washing detergent at the laundry mat when he would sneakily push me up onto the dryer and kiss me until all that was left in the world was our lips. he turned to look back at me once, and i noticed his eyes had already become red and splotchy, the front of his hoodie already soaked with tears. this was him, coming apart. this was his seams ripping one close stitch after another. his heart screaming for oxygen. hell, breathing is fucked up. he was the reason my lungs were still keeping me alive.
im trying to be calm don't be mad at me im going through excruciating pain at this moment i have no idea why i ever thought it would be a good idea to pre-order sounds good feels good CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT MONEY FOR A SECOND BECAUSE WHAT THE ACTUAL KINDAFUK ARE THEY TRYING TO PULL WITH THIS ARE THEY TRYING TO MOCK ME WITH THIS THEY DRAINED ME OF EVERYTHING INCLUDING MY DIGNITY, Christ they should be ashamed ok bye
did this scare u because its 1am and its like a teabag i just dropped in without warning sexual innuendo appreciated im so sorry don't mob i know LIZ i know but it had to be done u know i know luke knows liz knows this shit needed something spicy here u go, love
-megan aka anti 5sos sounds good feels fuck album hater everything sucks support Abigail breslin luke keep the hair flat forever bye
