i was never a very developed child. to be exact, my thighs equaled the perimeter of the great wall of china and i was diagnosed with an anxiety related speech impediment. the therapists defined it as word vomit, and i quote "a swan ready to burst forth, but doesn't quite have it's wings yet". i called it tongue shit.
living with this tragedy meant that talking would become an extremely awkward way of life. at my eighth grade graduation, my class was presented the task of goodbye speeches to the sticky, hormonal middle school. i planned the speech right down to the very last quote from j.k rowling, and i was intent on nailing it, whilst not sounding like a complete potterhead asshole.
the speech went well for the first few sentences, as i explained how much i had loved the replacement of the hallway's water fountains, and how i was glad the water tasted like easter rather than cow dung. but it was not until i launched into a detailed paragraph about a report i had made on how to avoid 6th graders shoving unwanted crack into my jonas brothers backpack, that i started to shake. my hands would quiver uncontrollably, and i would sweat from my upper lip like the flowing river of the lord. this impediment also caused me to ramble about unnecssary subjects until i would fall completely off topic.
long story short, i tripped down the stairs in the auditorium and threw up all over the principal's seventh wife.
although these incidents didnt happen more than one or twice a month, it still happened. and it was still hell. clumsiness was like a matching jacket to go along with the grandma knitted hat of embarrassment. each dizzying moment worse than the next.
that was what it felt like, falling off the rooftop of reynolds ap. complex. or what i imagined falling would be like, considering the fact that i only dived about 3 feet to my death onto a second platform below. but i hadnt stopped to see if luke had noticed. it wouldnt have mattered. i was done caring if things mattered or not.
now, as i sat in the tart smelling minivan a half mile from luke's humble abode, i realized that what i really wanted was for him to refuse to let me climb down that ladder to the ground and possibly never see him again. i didnt know if it was right or wrong to want more from a stranger. there were so many possible outcomes of the situation cramming themselves inside of my brain that i was absolutely sure i would explode, or shit myself.
it was lighter than it had been ontop of the roof of luke's apartment building, seeing as it was almost five thirty in the morning and i smelled like the gods of vanilla ice cream. i was parked at the entrance of the ever famous walmart a few minutes from my house, watching the zombie eyed shoppers walk in and out of the automatic doors, and singing loudly along to blink-182. i had jammed the windows down and shoved my feet outside, hoping to maintain a comfortable position without getting ass cramps.
the thing about contemplating your next move is life, is not being able to have the ability to contemplate. for example, i was contemplating what to tell my parents when i arrived home at the early hours of the morning looking like i had just been run over by the ice cream truck. the other painstakingly thing to contemplate that i was contemplating, was what to do about luke. the intimidating six foot something who cared. who called me beautiful. who made me feel like he didnt look at me and see a skeleton and a beating heart. he saw a person. he saw me.
there was a breeze flicking stray hairs into my eyes when i returned home, and i almost didnt spot the white rectangle perched in the bushes on my lawn when i pulled into the driveway. i shoved the squeaky door shut and half-jogged towards it.
ken,
its luke. hi. you probably already guessed it was me. i don't know what to say now. basically i just wanted to say i apologize for springing my emotions on you right now. im really not that much of a hormonal shit. really. but i really haven't felt this way about anyone since the tenth grade. she was nice i guess until i accidently pushed her into a lake. nevermind you probably dont care about me getting girls wet. also you probably dont want to know how i managed to find your house. google maps is very helpful by the way. incase you would like to locate a certain person that makes you feel like not as much of a small dog surrounded by an army of humongous squirrels. also i hope you didn't die tonight. i think you fell off the roof. i kinda peed when that happened. buts its okay. i dont have a bowel problem i just got kinda scared when you dissappeared and i think i messed up alot tonight and im sorry i didnt expect you to run away like that but its not your fault. its not your fault. im sorry. if you ever decide to talk to me again, i wrote down my number, so yeah. oh and next time try not to fall so hard for me if you know what i mean. okay, yeah bye.
-luke
at that moment i didn't think it was possible for me to fall harder than i already had.
guYS IM SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON I HAVENT UPDATE IN LIKE 5825 DAYS IM SORRY ???
BUT I HOPE THIS UPDATE MADE UP FOR IT BECAUSE ITS ALOT LONGER THAN NORMAL EVEN THOUGH ITS MORE LIKE A FILLER THAN ANYTHING ELSE plus its 11:09 im such a rebel yeet AF
i decided to end my caps lock phase. anways i hope you guys had an amazing week and did things and got lots of candy for halloween bc you all deserve a million plus snicker bars and i love you all and you are so amazing and wonderful and 3.4K????? what i dont understand what is this madness, i love u
-m B)
