The Gay Delusion

23: The Geek Delusion

(Do I still need to do that whole apologizing thing for my craptacular updating skills, or are we past that now? ;) Hope the fact I LOVE YOU ALL makes up for it, anyhow :P)

23: The Geek Delusion

It was one of the most overused clichés in the world, but it truly was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. All the things that had been knocking around in my brain for years had finally been channelled into coherent thoughts, and I felt free. I had shackled myself down, and I had broken out of at least a couple of the restraints which had frozen me in time.

Mum and I did lots of catching up that day, and it was a bit like we were making up for lost time. It had taken us twenty-four years to realize it, but we were finally comfortable with the fact that we didn't have to fully understand one another to be capable of loving each other.

I hadn't sat at a kitchen table and felt like I was properly part of a family in – well, ever. But somehow, I belonged at the driftwood kitchen table with my mum and Alec, who I adored because of the effort he had always made with me. While I couldn't say "oh yeah, Alec's like a father to me", I could say that he treated me like an equal and always used to ask for my opinion on things, as though it genuinely mattered to him. As a whole, we weren't the kind of family which conversation would constantly flow between, but the silence between us tonight was a satisfied, tranquil one.

'Thanks for the food, Mum, it was amazing,' I said, standing up once I was finished with my meal to gather the plates. 'I'll quickly do the dishes and then I think I might head upstairs and grab an early night.'

'Thanks, darling,' Mum responded gratefully. 'It's been a long day.'

And it really bloody well had. I couldn't believe it was only yesterday that the total screw-up of a double-date had happened. Had it truly been only twenty-four hours? I thought as I strode into the kitchen wearily.

It felt like it had been weeks since I had seen Griffin or heard his voice, but it had been barely a day. I wondered how long it would be – or how long it would feel – until he talked to me again. Never was an eternity. But I supposed that it was an eternity which I deserved.

Once I was finished doing the dishes, I trudged upstairs to the spare bedroom, which was where I slept every time I stayed over. Heading straight for the bed in the middle of the room, I lay sleepily on my front on top of the comforter. The carbs we had eaten at dinner had made me tired, which in turn reminded me of my overconsumption of pasta in Milan with Griffin and the late night walk we'd had.

Taking my phone out from the back pocket of my jeans, I saw that I had received texts from Nova and Emilie, but my heart panged a little when I saw there was absolutely no peep from Griffin. I was an idiot for expecting that there would be one from him. "Fuck you, Laina" had been pretty loud and clear when it came to him telling me exactly how he felt.

Hey, Kate said you called in sick. Hope you feel better and that we see you in the office soon xx P.S. I don't know if this is info you want, but Griffin wasn't in today, either. (Emilie, Sent 12:39)

Oh Emilie. If I was actually gay, I would have gone for that girl in a heartbeat.

I sent her back a grateful but standard text, not giving too much away and not commenting on the information she had relayed about Griffin, before I called Nova.

'Hey babycakes,' I greeted her as soon as she picked up.

Nova let out a laugh. 'What a reception! How are you, babe?'

'I'm good. I'm great. I'm wonderful, actually.' And it was true. Despite a voice in the back of my mind and in the corner of my chest pining, I was. The cloudiness that used to creep up and impair my vision whenever I used to think about Griffin and ponder prospects like a relationship wasn't present; instead, I was feeling a quiet contentment.