Jeanine Matthews- An Unlikely Love Story

Ch 16- The Journal

I stared at her lifeless eyes, hoping that if I were to look long enough into them, she'd wake up and start laughing, like it was all an act. But she didn't wake up. She was gone forever.

I got up and wiped away my tears, then turned to face Jeanine.

"How could you do this to me?" I cried. She was slightly taken aback by the shrillness in my voice. Her face was hardened before, but now, it had softened a little. My eyes began to water once more, and I quickly cleared my throat and tried to wipe them away.

"Sage, it was something that had to be done," Jeanine said quietly.

"Killing someone is something that had to be done?" I felt anger rising within me at her disregard for human life.

"Winter was a mess. She had destroyed her own life long ago, and this is the best thing for her," Jeanine said coming towards me. I shook my head as she tried to pull me into an embrace. She continued to try to embrace me until I physically had to push her away; I didn't want anything to do with her.

"Please, Sage," Jeanine pleaded lightly.

"Get away from me. You're still a monster," I said backing away at first, then turning to run.

"She'll still be dead. There's nothing you can do to change this!" Jeanine called after me. I didn't care what she said; Jeanine was a liar through and through, and there was no way in hell I'd be able to forgive her, or myself.

I feared I was the one who shot Winter, and I had a feeling Jeanine thought so, too.

~

I walked back to the dormitory and found it completely emptied of all living souls. I sighed and went over to my bed, which was the only in the room that still had personal belongings. I grabbed them and headed towards the entrance of Erudite. I was now factionless because no one had told me otherwise. I felt like dying. Winter was gone, and I had no home, not that Erudite was ever my real home to begin with. Perhaps I should have stayed in Amity, then none of this would have happened.

I almost put my hand on the door, when someone called my name. I turned and saw Jeanine running towards me. She slowed down to a jog, then a walk, and then completely stopped. I frowned at her and awaited to hear what crap she had to say.

"You're not factionless," She said breathlessly. I raised an eyebrow, not believing her, but she nodded and continued. "You just missed the cut off, but there weren't enough initiates who passed, and you were the next one in line to be accepted into Erudite."

"Fine, I'm still staying here, but where the hell am I suppose to go now?" I asked impatiently.

"Winter wanted you to have her apartment," Jeanine stated. I looked at her, wondering if she was joking, but her demeanor showed that she was serious.

"When did she tell you that?" It seemed unlikely Winter would just let me have her apartment when she was still obviously living there. Perhaps she knew she was going to... go... before, and decided it would be best if I were to have it.

"Before the tests. She was obviously worried that I would destroy her before getting out to see you again, so she told me a few things she wanted to put in her will, her apartment being one of them. And this," Jeanine held out a little blue book that had Love written on the cover. I took it cautiously from her, and flipped through the pages. About three quarters of the book was full, and written in the same type of pen, and the same beautiful cursive writing.

"There's something you should know about her," Jeanine said slowly as I turned to leave. "Part of it is in that book, and the other part... well... she conspired with George to kill you."

I couldn't believe she was lying to me again. I couldn't even speak to her. I stormed off and went straight to Winter's apartment, or my apartment.

When I got to the door, I saw Drake at his own apartment, only a few feet away. He was talking to someone, a female, from the pitch of the voice, and he was laughing. I furrowed my brow for a moment, then he began to kiss her tenderly, and I could feel my face flushing. He didn't turn to greet me beforehand, even though I saw he had looked my way. So that was it then; our friendship seemed to have come to a close.

I hurriedly typed in the passcode to the apartment and slammed the door, unintentionally, behind me. I went straight for the bed and put my face in the pillow. I could suffocate myself, but then where would I be? With Winter, perhaps, but maybe not...

I suddenly remembered the blue book Jeanine had given me and picked it up from where I had tossed my belongings before I jumped onto the bed. It was close to one of the rocking chairs and I decided to sit in it because I figured it would help soothe me in some way. I opened the journal and looked at the first page.

Hello,

Rachel wanted me to start writing this stupid journal, so inevitably, I have to. She said she wanted me to record the feelings of our relationship and about everyday life because it would help me with my depression, or something like that. Well let's start off when I became depressed in the first place. You'd never think I would be with her, but it's not about Rachel; it's about Jeanine.

I already had so many questions, but decided it would be best to read on since it seemed they were all going to be answered.

She always wanted me to be her spitting image, and I always disobeyed her, not that I am Divergent, but I didn't want her to have control over me. I never liked authority figures, even back in Amity, I was weary of them. The thing about Jeanine I hate the most is that she wants to kill everyone that doesn't follow her little rules. I know that there's got to be something else out there, someone kinder who has authroity, but maybe I'm wrong, like I always seem to be about people.

So let's get to the point, shall we? Jeanine affected my emotional status by pushing me too hard, and the constant rain of insults, it was just too much, and one day Rachel noticed, so she brought me to the hospital to get a diagnosis. They said I had depression, and I was not thrilled to hear that at the very least.

Enough about that, let's talk about my beloved. If somehow I forget about her, I want to know everything about her. She has beautiful red hair that darkens at the roots, beautiful brown eyes that you can get lost in...

She continued to describe the woman, Rachel, and her personality. They met by accident on a day where Winter was supposed to take off, but she came into work and there she was; they hit it off the moment they first met, "like we were meant to be."

I closed the journal and tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I wiped them away quickly, and took a deep breath. I didn't want to read anymore that day. Winter obviously was in love with her, but I had no idea where that woman was now. A painful realization hit me as I remembered how Winter described Rachel's appearance; she looked a lot like me. The red hair, the dark eyes... could that be the only reason why she liked me? Because I looked like someone she had loved before?

Were her feelings for me even real? Was any of this real?

I tossed the journal onto the bed and got up to go see Jeanine. She needed to tell me herself what had really happened with Winter and Rachel.
I had had enough of being in the darkness.

Sorry this was so short. I thought I'd give you guys a break since the last chapter was so long. How are you enjoying the story? It's about two-thirds of the way done!