A River of Tears

Tell Me Who You Are

Chapter 6 ~ Tell Me Who You Are

"What did you mean when you said, 'See you later'?" I asked Shawn fiercely. The tables had turned, and I was asking him questions. The whole thing felt very similar to an interrogation. My level of suspicion was much higher than it should have been, and I was beginning to ponder over everything I had told this man. If he was even that. Maybe I was right in the beginning, that Shawn was a dangerous life form seeking to plot against me.

"What did you mean?" I repeated with even more vigor, my eyes boring into his. Shawn gulped nervously before attempting to come up with a plausible response. "Well, I was thinking of my wife, see, and umm, I meant to tell her what I told you, but I forgot I was talking to you, so I accidentally told you what I meant to tell my wife." He spluttered out his last resort pathetically.

I shook my head, wearing a thin smile on my lips. "Stop, just stop." I told Shawn, then continued aggressively. "Who are you? Really, I want to know who you are." He took a few seconds to answer, and only came up with, "River, please-" because I cut him short. "No more excuses! Tell me who you are, and don't call me River!" I shouted without caution of who might hear me.

Shawn lifted his hands in surrender. "What would you like me to call you?" he asked in a tired voice. I stared at him, surprised. Why didn't he simply attack me? Why was he acting so... human? It was strange, and I was more curious than ever to find out who Shawn really was.

My mouth was open to speak when he interrupted. "I could call you... Let's see. I've already used 'dear', so I'll go with 'honey' this time." Shawn explained as he feigned deep thought. I resisted the temptation to punch him, and instead hissed, "Only the Doctor calls me that." I expected Shawn to reply with equal zest; however, he simply smiled.

I gathered my meandering thoughts and turned them into words. "Who are you?" I asked Shawn, Mr. Jacobs, the mystery man in front of me. He remained quiet for a while. Then he told me.

"I knew you'd figure it out eventually." Shawn muttered as his appearance bubbled before me. "Right on time." he added after a quick glance at the clock. I gasped as Shawn's body changed, and a familiar face was recognized. No... 'How is that possible?' I wondered. The man sitting in front of me was none other than the Doctor.

I lifted my hand to 'prepare-for-a-slap' position. "Wait, I can explain." The Doctor spluttered. I lowered my hand while keeping a close watch on him. It was likely I would slap him later.

The Doctor cleared his throat. "I wasn't sure if you would actually go through with this. The only way I could be sure was to disguise myself and have you talk to me instead. So I compared my options. I remembered the last time I became human, and that was an excruciating amount of pain I didn't want to relive. That was out of the question." He paused to look at me. I snorted in impatience, which made him continue talking.

"All I had to do was change my appearance and voice. I modulated my voice with the help of the sonic and Old Girl. That was exciting and a bit embarrassing; Old Girl kept laughing at me. But i was a real treat, I'll tell you what." The Doctor chuckled before continuing again. "Then I had the grand opportunity to meet the Golden Trio and the staff at Hogwarts. Stole some Polyjuice Potion while I was there. I had to change my body somehow, and I'd always wanted to try it, so why not?" He finished nervously.

My face radiated my emotions very strongly; I could tell because the Doctor wasn't smiling anymore. I was so unamused and frustrated with everything, and it felt like the right time to slap the Doctor, so I did. Unfortunately, he had become very skillful at dodging my slaps. I sighed and began to pace around the room to calm my nerves and assess the situation as a whole.

For the second time that day, my mind was refusing to cooperate. Thoughts were running rampant in my head, and it was next to impossible to think one singular thought. How could I have not known it was the Doctor? 'He didn't use the name John Smith,' my conscience reminded me. I mentally rolled my eyes and agreed with myself.

Then I had to deal with the biggest, and most thought provoking, question of all. Why? Why did the Doctor feel the need to learn about my true feelings? Why did he have to do it like this? Of all the questions I asked myself, I asked the Doctor the simplest version. "Why?"

The Doctor seemed as uneasy to answering my question as I was about asking it. He fiddled his thumbs, then he played with his ear. The Doctor tried very hard to avoid my question, although he would have to answer it at some point. The room was quiet and the air was still; only the even breaths of the Doctor and I could be heard.

It was several more seconds before he finally spoke. His voice was gentle, and it gave off a thoughtful attitude. "I only wanted to help you, River." He began softly, emotion pouring through his voice. "I know it was wrong. I shouldn't have invaded your privacy, but I care for you too much to allow you to deal with your past by yourself. And I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now." The Doctor paused to take a deep breath. "But I need to tell you that sometimes you have to do things that may not seem right or fair to help the person you love."

I listened to the Doctor and pondered deeply over his words. 'I suppose he was right', I thought to myself as I exhaled, a calmness rushing into me when I did so. I shouldn't have overreacted, even though I had a right to. The Doctor didn't deserve my anger when he was only trying to help me. Who was I to refuse his assistance?

I maneuvered my eyes to stare at the Doctor. "I'm sorry for snapping and reacting like that. I really do appreciate what you did; it's exactly what I needed. I just didn't realize it until now." I apologized sincerely to the man who knew me better than I knew myself. He smiled softly and nodded his head. He understood.

No other words needed to be spoken. The Doctor held me tight as I stumbled into his arms and let out a sob. It wasn't often I cried in front of him. In fact, I tried to avoid it at all costs. At that moment, however, I couldn't have cared less. The Doctor showed me the truth of his words in a way that meant so much. It was almost too much to bear, how much he loved me. I had a hard time believing it.

I stood there and let the tears run down my face. The Doctor accepted my moment of weakness with no questions. He simply stroked my hair and whispered in my ear. "Don't be afraid to cry, River." His voice was so soothing, a comforting touch to all the emotions I was feeling. It was in that moment that I knew no matter what happened, the Doctor would always be there for me. And I would be forever grateful.