Emo Trinity One Shots

The Fear Of Falling Apart- Ryden

(tw, mentions of self harm and suicide)

Brendon loved Ryan, yeah, but he couldn't carry on. He felt so done with everything. The thoughts in his head, all the crying he did when Ryan was asleep, all of it. He was done. He couldn't take it anymore.

Ryan was at work, completely oblivious to what his boyfriend is considering, typing up boring things on boring Excel at boring work. He'd rather be at his (and Brendon's) small apartment, cuddling Brendon whilst some cooking show was on that both of them were far too lazy to change.

Brendon was about to cry, thinking about how much of a waste of space he was and that he couldn't stand himself anymore.

Maybe if he took his mother's advice and went to a therapist, Brendon would be watching some award show that had his favorite band nominated for the best music video. But he wasn't doing that.

He was sat down, knees pulled up to his chest while his arms carelessly wrapped around them. He was sat by the wall.

He glanced at the clock, sighing. He wanted it to be five already. He wanted Ryan to come home and they could make pancakes for dinner.

He also wanted it to be the time he dies.

He vowed not to kill himself. He vowed everything to not kill himself. He thought not killing himself would be an easy thing to do but it obviously is not.

He's almost crying, the tears brimming his eyes and almost about to fall down his face.

He was thinking about how he and Ryan were getting married in four weeks and how they were going to go to Paris for their honeymoon.

The times they shared, the dates, the proposal, they massive amounts of times that they've cuddled, and the moment that Ryan had asked Brendon out.

Brendon had loved Ryan from the very moment they met. When Ryan walked in the classroom. Brendon had hung out with Ryan after a while and then Ryan told him how much he meant to Ryan.

"Brendon, the first time that I heard you were going to end it, I was in tears. Well, that's an understatement, really. I was in tears, locked in my room, and didn't come out for nine days. I came out once I heard that you came out alive.

"The second time, I was staying away from social interaction and I listened to really depressing songs while breaking on the inside.

"Every attempt after that, I was broken and I had far too many scars for my liking. I had scars because I felt as if I didn't save you. I felt that if my skin tore apart, I would save you. Silly me. But I was literally a living sad song.

"And then I kept telling myself that if you were to go, I would do anything to keep you here because, Brendon, you mean so fucking much. I still keep my word on that. I vow myself that if you attempt, I would save you. If that wouldn't work, I would commit, myself. I love you, Brendon. I really fucking do. You're loved. You're loved by me and by a lot of other people," Ryan was close to tears and he wanted to give Brendon a hug but isn't hugging too mainstream?

Of course, that was two years ago but Ryan's promise hasn't changed. He would do anything for Brendon and Brendon just doesn't realize that.

Brendon finally got up from the wall and sat on the couch, grabbing the remote.

He lifted the remote and turned the television on, surfing what the cable has to offer.

He could choose between Oprah and SpongeBob. He chose SpongeBob because who doesn't like SpongeBob?

Ryan looked up at the person who cleared their throat and saw his boss.

"You can go home in twenty minutes, if you'd like," the boss said, walking away.

It was three and he was supposed to leave at five. He wasn't going to deny this offer, though.

He continued to type useless shit into the computer as Brendon had enough. His breathing was too much for him.

He walked over to the bathroom and stared at himself for an amount of time and turned away, walking to the kitchen. He grabbed a knife and made his way back.

He looked at his face once more, hating everything about it.

He was oblivious to how Ryan was driving home by now, not knowing that he'd be home early.

He sat down and dragged the kitchen knife down both wrists.

It hurt like hell. The burning sensation hurt but Brendon liked that. He smiled as he noticed the blood pouring in and was so focused on the blood that he didn't hear the front door opening and closing.

After about a few seconds of Ryan trying to look for Brendon, he found him and he started sobbing.

"If you love me let me go," he told Ryan as everything for him faded to black.

-

Brendon woke up, hearing the constant beeping that annoyed the shit out of him.

It gave him a headache.

And once he opened his eyes, everything was far too bright for his liking.

All of a sudden, a doctor with a clipboard walked in and looked at Brendon.

"How are you feeling?" The doctor asked.

"Besides from the big fucking migraine in my head, I'm doing fucking fantastic," Brendon said too sarcastic for the doctor's liking.

"Well, we were told to give this to you," the doctor handed Brendon an envelope and Brendon took it with caution.

He opened it and took out a letter in Ryan's handwriting. It said:

Hey, Brenny. If you're getting this then you're alive.

You don't see me around but that's because I kept my promise. I did whatever I could to keep you alive. You lost a lot of blood and the only way that you could live was have a replacement of blood. I knew what both of our blood types are and surprisingly, they're the same.

I needed to keep you alive. I couldn't live with myself knowing that the love of my life had died and I wouldn't have done anything.

I love you, Brenny. And I'm not there because I love you.

I promised that I would keep you alive. Even if that meant losing myself.

It's funny how love makes you do silly things. If I was told five years ago that I'd fall in love and then die from love, I would have told the person to fuck off. But five years later and here we are.

Please don't be sad, I hate to see you cry. Please understand what I did and please understand that I love you more than I've loved anything.

Find new love and move on. I want the best for you.

Love,
Ry

Brendon was a sobbing mess and the put his head in his palms.

"I love you too, Ry," he choked out.

---

Dear god, I'm a sobbing mess. This was so hard to write ugh the tears were blurring the letters.

So, I had such writers block that I couldn't finish The Fear Of Falling Apart and I knew that it would be best to make into a one shot. This is for you, spacedrugs . Was this good?

Okay, well if you have requests, please comment and if you don't, I'll start a new one shot anyways.

I love you all and keep safe, my children.