writer (c.a.l.m 5sos ot4) (boyxboy)

❁2❁

unedited

Luke felt like crying. The pain in his chest was becoming unbearable, but he had no way of stopping it.

Ironically enough, Luke hated love. He despised it so much because love has only left his heart broken. At first, Luke didn't get it. Why do I have to fall in love if they're never going to love me back? He constantly had to deal with the fact that his heart would stay forever broken.

Nowadays, Luke felt as if he understood. No one could ever love me. He felt that it was simply impossible for anyone to even think of falling for him. How could they? Luke was simply unlovable.

Luke felt his eyes water, but he wouldn't cry. He couldn't cry, because he had no tears left. Luke hadn't written for days; he didn't have any time to. The boys were constantly on his tail about getting proper sleep. It wasn't his fault he couldn't sleep. He can't control his feelings, nor his depression. He began to think that he had depression induced insomnia.

He didn't want to get help though. No, Luke had worked too hard to keep this façade up to simply throw it all away for, what? A few extra hours of sleep? He didn't see the point.

Luke had too many skeletons in his closet. If he revealed one, he knew the rest would eventually come tumbling out. No way was he going to risk something like that. He was already unloved; he didn't want to be hated too. He could deal with the fact that no one noticed he needed to be cared for.

Everyone always assumed he was perfectly happy. That's the problem with the world; everyone assumes that the ones that smile the most are the happiest. They think their fake smiles are real because they've never taken the time to see the difference.

A smile does not necessarily mean happiness. When you see someone always smiling, you assume they're just happy all the time, but the reality is that no one is perfectly happy. If someone is always smiling and nothing seems to hurt them, they most likely bottle up the feelings for when they're alone. And when they're alone, the bottle shatters and the emotions are too much for them to handle. That's when the person breaks too.

Just like Luke.

When Luke officially realized he couldn't sleep, he opted for thinking instead. He knew he'd find something else he did that day that was a failure; he always did. Even if he thought he did something great in the moment, later his brain would pick it apart. He could always find something he did terribly that day.

Luke thought back to his first love; his first heartbreak. Everything started when he was eleven. Luke was going through some tough times in his life and thanks to growing older, he began to hate himself. He didn't have any friends, well maybe a few he would hand out with occasionally, but not best friends. He had no one to confide in.

Then he met Kyle. They met at a party and no not some house party; an actual get together. They talked for a while and found out that they had similar interests in music. The two of them constantly bonded over music and their love of writing.

Something changed in Luke when he and his family moved across the country. When they had been friends for nearly a year, talking every day over text and occasional video calls, Luke started to question his sexuality. He realized that he hadn't had crushes on anyone for nearly a year.

One day, he connected the dots and realized he liked Kyle. Well, he actually thought he loved Kyle, but you know, he was twelve, he didn't know any better. Luke was a very shy kid so he decided instead of telling Kyle his feelings in a month when Luke would be visiting, he would write a letter. He knew he would chicken out otherwise.

As soon as he sent the letter, he regretted it. He knew Kyle was Christian of course, and that he didn't accept homosexuality, but he would understand wouldn't he?

Luke was oh so wrong. A week later, when Kyle read the letter, Luke received a text. Kyle had sent him a lengthy message about how it was okay and that he'd help him get through it.

Later that evening, Luke's parents called him into their room to talk. Kyle's mom had called Luke's to tell her about the letter. Kyle told her mom everything and his mom told Luke's mom the whole thing.

Luke felt so betrayed. Not only had he told him about his feelings, but also about his depression. Now his parents knew about everything Luke had so carefully hidden.

Luke's parents had a long talk with him about why homosexuality is wrong. Luke pretended he agreed with everything, even though it was quite the opposite.

Luke knew he wasn't gay, but bisexual didn't seem to fit either. Then he discovered pansexuality. That got him thinking; why did he like Kyle?

If he was being honest, Kyle really wasn't that good-looking. Kyle was funny and he made Luke feel like he was actually happy. Luke was finally getting over his "depressed faze." That's what finally made Luke realize that if Kyle was a girl, gender fluid or trans, he'd still like him. After all, they mostly talked through texts anyways.

Pansexual; that's what Luke was.

a/n: don't you just wanna jump through the screen to hug him and tell him you love him? )-:

This is very short, only 1k words; oops... but you learn a lot about Luke (and now you know his sexuality) this ended kinda cut off sorryyyy

I've just started a one shot so I'll post that hopefully tomorrow. I'd like to update nearly every day :--)

Luke is vv similar to me in this... The story about Kyle happened to me (<_>) so yeah this is already really personal.

heh I'm so awkward

bye Internet :p